


By Unfrequented Ways

by HermitLibrary_Archivist



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post Gauda Prime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-26
Updated: 2008-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-20 11:19:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4785425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermitLibrary_Archivist/pseuds/HermitLibrary_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>by Helen Parkinson</p><p>Four years after Gauda Prime, on a rebel base orbiting Priam II, Blake is electrocuted while saving Avon from a faulty power cable.  As a result of the trauma, he forgets everything that has happened since Avon shot him and believes that he is now a Federation prisoner.  With the assistance of some colleagues, old and new, Avon has to regain Blake's trust and convince him to let Orac assist with the recovery of his memories,  However, before that can happen, Blake makes a bid for escape, leading to more tragedy and a final confrontation with Servalan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Unfrequented Ways

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Judith and Aralias, the archivists: This story was originally archived at [Hermit.org Blake's 7 Library](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Hermit_Library), which was closed due to maintenance costs and lack of time. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2015. We posted announcements about the move and emailed authors as we imported, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Hermit.org Blake's 7 Library collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hermitlibrary/profile). 
> 
> This work has been backdated to 26th of May 2008, which is the last date the Hermit.org archive was updated, not the date this fic was written. In some cases, fics can be dated more precisely by searching for the zine they were originally published in on [Fanlore](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Main_Page).
> 
> Previously published in 'Avon Special' (UK, 1998).
> 
> This story contains multiple typos - possible as a result of OCR.

I woke slowly to the sound of voices. They were pitched low and it was more an impression of words than the words themselves that reached me. It seemed to me they had been there for some time, half heard, but unacknowledged. A room came into focus slowly, or at least a ceiling did. This was all I could see as I was lying flat on my back on a bed. I could feel the pressure across my chest, not uncomfortable but real and rather disturbing and I realised I was strapped down. I couldn't remember how I came to be here, not even where 'here' was, however long practise as a fugitive kept me still while I tried to organise my thoughts.

The ceiling was grey and appeared metallic, the smell was of a hospital and the faint tremor I could feel through the bed that of a ship in flight. The medical unit of a spacecraft then, but whose and why? Alarmed I searched my memory for the answer. It was cloudy and vague, I recognised the effects of drugs. My head hurt and when I breathed there was pain in both my chest and abdomen. It was this pain that triggered the memory. The dreadful memory of how I came to be here.

I remembered a planet called Gauda Prime and an old friend coming to find me. I remembered the hate in his eyes and the pain as he tried to kill me. I think I may have cried out or even said his name then, for something attracted the attention of the voice's owners to me.

Two faces came into my field of view. Two smiling strangers looked down at me and the terror rose in my gut. I didn't know them, or where I was, but I knew now what I was. A Federation prisoner.

"Blake, Thank god." The older man said. "We were beginning to think you were never going to wake up." His voice was friendly but I wasn't fooled, I had been here before. He picked up my hand, trying to take my pulse I think, while the other man moved away. I heard him talking to someone but I couldn't make out the words and I heard nothing of the reply. I think he must have been using the intercom to report my return to awareness to his superiors. The one who had spoken seemed upset by my lack of response, he reached towards my face. Instinct took over then, I jerked my head away in horror, I had no idea what he planned but one always assumes the worst when facing Federation doctors.

"Blake ?" He asked. His concern seemed more genuine than I was used to. Clearly the Federation had found a better school of acting.

"Leave me alone." I said. My voice was disappointing. Weak and soft, embarrassing, but it couldn't be helped and it worked, he pulled away and cast a look of worry at his companion. The room seemed to be closing in on me. It was getting hard to breathe, as if the air was bad. The gentle beeping of machinery I hadn't noticed until now changed, it sounded like the alarms on Gauda Prime. Red lights seemed to pulse with my heart beat as they had when I lay at Avon's feet dying. It was all happening again. Avon was above me gazing down. I wondered what he was thinking, was he glad to finally be rid of me. I wouldn't have thought him capable of this betrayal but be had killed me, what more proof did I need. I think I spoke his name then, accusation or pity I don't know. The room was fading round me, I thought perhaps I was dying and I was glad of it.

Hands grasped my arms. I could feel the heat of them even lost as I was in the darkness. I fought them, but I didn't know what was happening and could get no real purchase against their hold, against their strength, and that was frightening. There are not many men who are stronger than I and to be held against my will is a terror to me. My vision went red then black but I could still hear them talking to me, telling me to calm down, that I was going to kill myself. As if I was supposed to care about that. Dead was infinitely better than a Federation prisoner. Then one voice cut through the confusion and the darkness.

"Blake." Avon said my name again as hands closed on my shoulders. I knew it was Avon's touch even without my sight but I forced my eyes open to see the man who had betrayed me.

He was pale under the lights and looked worried, possibly I was worth more alive than dead to his masters. Alive I could tell them so much, dead I would take it all with me. Well perhaps I would do just that, but I would take him with me too, if I could. The worry in his eyes faded to relief as he realised I was looking at him. Odd to see his face so open, so honest, it had always been a struggle to know what he thought before. Or perhaps it was simply that I was seeing his true nature for the first time. The other faces were still there, hovering in the background.

"Avon." I said and I let my voice be a whisper so soft I could barely hear it myself. Just for a moment I thought perhaps I hadn't spoken out loud, then Avon smiled and glanced briefly to the side, at the older of the men. In triumph or so it seemed to me and my hatred for this smug traitor grew. "Avon." I said again and made it a plea. He turned back to me, leaning closer to hear my words. His hands were still on my shoulders warm and reassuring as they had been in the past when we faced death together on Liberator, but now I knew them for the liars they were. Avon's expression was half relief and half annoyance as he bent closer. I waited patiently as he moved nearer to hear my words. What did he expect? Benediction? Forgiveness? Or did he believe I did not remember what he had done. He was close enough now. "Murdering bastard!" I said and spat in his face. He fell away from me then, such an odd look in his eyes, hurt and surprise. One of the strangers grabbed him, seemed to be holding him up. I wanted to say more, but a coldness ran through my veins and into my head. It brought the darkness with it.

 

AVON.

"Well Doctor?" I demanded. It was four hours since Blake's traumatic awakening and his doctors seemed no nearer to explaining his reaction than they had at the time.

"Avon, " Pask began. He had on his best reasonable expression and the slow calm voice that annoyed me so much. Blake had often said Paskonly spoke softly because he didn't like it when I shouted but there was nothing more guaranteed to make me shout than this particular tone. "His system has taken quite a jolt, the amount of power going through those cables could have killed him." I nodded, doing my best not to let his tone irritate me but it was a close thing. "He would have died if you hadn't got him clear." Pask continued, apparently oblivious to my annoyance and he was supposed to be a psychiatrist. "In fact, how are your hands?" He leant forward then as if to examine the offending appendages

Stupid question I thought. "My hands are fine." I replied.

Donovan, our senior physician knew I was annoyed. He was getting too good at reading me, yet I didn't resent it as much as I once would have done. Vila said that was proof I was getting old. "We know he was confused Avon." He said to me. "Didn't really recognise any of us. However he did ask for you."

"And he knew me. And hated me!" It was hard to keep my voice steady as I said this last. I don't know whether I was covering anger or pain.

"I don't think so." Donovan said. "Blake is very disorientated. I think he sees the medical unit as a Federation cell."

"Well now, it does have similarities." I found myself admitting. Pask's eyes lit up, he was always eager for information about my past. Information I refrained from providing, but I knew that Blake, Vila and the rest fed him titbits sometimes. Vila's were mostly exaggerations designed to cause me problems, at least they had been until I pointed out how easy it would be for me to reprogram the base computer not to provide adrenaline and soma whenever he felt like it. "What do you suggest we do ?" I asked Donovan, it helped to distract Pask, and it was why we were here.

"He didn't know us." Donovan said, "But he did know you." That had been obvious. It had also been obvious that he wasn't too happy with me. I didn't bother pointing that out to them again. "We think he may have suffered partial memory loss."

"Memory loss." I echoed, cursing as I did it. I sounded more like a parrot as each minute passed.

"Yes, but only up to a point. He knows who he is. Remembers you. It appears a specific period of time has been lost. It is as if he has travelled backwards in time to a period of trauma, a time of intense emotions, a time before you built this base, met any of us. We have moved him to the medical annexe, hopefully he should find those surroundings less threatening. Pask had some of his things moved in there too."

"Nothing dangerous. Don't worry Avon."Pask assured me. "Just his own things. It might help.

"Even if he doesn't recognise them ?" I asked.

"And we think someone he knows should be with him when he wakes." Donovan ignored my question, seemed almost reluctant to look at me.

"Me?" I heard myself volunteer. I didn't like the idea of that at all but if it was what Blake needed it appeared I was prepared to do it.

"There is just one problem." Donovan continued, he didn't look too keen on my idea. "We don't know what he does remember so whoever goes in would have to go very carefully. From his reaction to you he....well, he may be more dangerous to you than anyone else. I'm not sure you are the best suited for this."

I had to agree with statement that Blake might be dangerous. His reaction to me had been fairly conclusive. Donovan might see ambiguity in Blake's spitting in my face, I did not. Blake had recognised me when he saw me, his reaction had been quite personal and, much as I hated to admit it, quite devastating. I didn't want to know why he had done it and yet I had to know. Any one of the others, especially Vila, would have been a better choice for this I thought, but they were not here. Off base with Avalon to see Sarkoff of Lindor, negotiating for funds. I wished fervently Blake had gone with them, then he wouldn't have been on the station when the power cables in the new teleport section blew, and if he hadn't been there working with me none of this would have happened.

"There is no one else." Pask said. Donovan threw him a look that even I wouldn't have liked to be on the receiving end of.

"It's still a risk." He told Pask. "You don't have to do this Avon." The intensity of his concern convinced me it was real.

However "I think I do." I replied. "If he doesn't need a medic then there is no reason that it cannot be me."

"Avon, he might be dangerous."

"I can take care of myself." I told him. "Pask get everything ready, then let me know what you want me to do." It was a dismissal and I expected them both to recognise it as such.

 

I sat for a moment considering my options after the room went quiet.

"It isn't your fault." Donovan said softly. I hadn't realised he was still there. I could have sworn I heard him leave with his partner.

"No ?" I asked.

"No. Accidents just happen, and Blake is very good at being in the wrong place."

"He pushed me out of the way." I explained. I would have died if Blake hadn't acted as he had, Donovan knew that even better than I. Blake had only survived because, unlike me, he was wearing protective clothing. I had been so annoyed that the cable had dared to give I hadn't taken the time to dress properly before going to fix it. A fact that could have killed me and may have driven Blake insane. If that wasn't blame then I didn't know what was.

"Avon this isn't your fault, or mine. Blake is hurting but he will recover. You don't have to do this, there is a risk to you that wouldn't be there for me, or for Tomas."

"You said he needed things he could remember." I said. "He remembered me. He did not know you, nor did he know Pask. I have to do this. We can't allow him loose on the station reacting like that every time he sees me, who knows what he might do to someone else." I know he saw through me, that I was doing this for Blake, but as long as he said nothing it didn't matter.

"Traumatic amnesia." Donovan said as if convincing himself. "Give Blake familiar surroundings and faces and he will be his usual irritating self in no time." It still annoyed me when Sam Donovan spoke of Blake like that, that was my place and he knew it. "He remembered you Avon so we start with that. If you can find out just what he can recall and then help him to put the other pieces in place."

"From his reaction." I replied "I have fairly good idea what he remembers." I felt suddenly too tired to do this thing and it must have shown in my face for Donovan put a hand on my shoulder. I shook it off and climbed to my feet. "Any contact from Avalon ?"

"No." But I knew the answer, I would have been the first to know if they had called in. "We can't wait for them Avon." Donovan answered the rest of the question. The question I hadn't asked.

"I know that." I snapped, I must have sounded almost as tired as I felt because he put his hand back on my arm and he wasn't going to be shaken off this time.

"We need to know what he remembers and to help him get his memory back as quickly as possible." He paused. "The Federation's meddling has...." He stopped again.

"What ?" I asked afraid of what I might hear. The Federation had already stolen so much from Blake, what had they done to him now? Correction, what had I helped them to do?

"They caused damage with the original programming." Donovan said slowly. I nodded, I knew all about that, so did Blake and I was well aware it bothered him sometimes. "There is a chance, a slim chance admittedly, that this memory loss could be permanent if we don't act quickly."

"So it has to be me." I said. Suddenly I felt as old as Vila insisted I was. "I'm going back to check on the teleport let me know what you want me to do." I didn't wait for his reply but went back to the job Blake and I had been doing when he was hurt. My hands had recovered enough at last to make the delicate work possible.

 

They came back for me far too soon.

Blake was in the medical annexe under very light sedation. I was simply to wait for him to come out of it and offer reassurance. I would have laughed at that suggestion if I could have found the energy. Donovan made it sound so easy, so straight forward but I know Blake, nothing is ever that easy where he is concerned. His reaction to me was also worrying, he had never seemed to hate me before except for the brief time after I shot him on Gauda Prime. He believed then that I had sold him to the Federation. Ironic as it was my belief that he had sold me that lead to the 'incident' as Blake liked to call it, in the first place. So I waited in the quiet of the medical bay, pretending to read while all the time I watched Blake sleep and wondered at the damage I might have caused.

 

BLAKE.

While in the darkness I dreamed. I was walking along an elevated walkway-where I had no idea, but it was a dangerous place to be. Avon walked ahead of me, silent, wary, gun drawn. Trusting me to watch his back. There was a noise, oddly distorted, as if someone far away called my name. I turned but there was no one there. When I turned back to Avon he was hidden, a Federation trooper was between us his back to me, his gun drawn on Avon. I shouted Avon's name but no sound came out. The trooper's shot was loud, echoing and Avon fell. The trooper vanished then and I found myself leaning over the walkway rail. Avon lay on the ground far below, his body oddly twisted. Vila was beside him, he looked up at me.

"Your fault."He shouted. The words were not just sound but colour too. They leapt out of his mouth to spin round my head and I think I shouted his name. Gentle voices spoke to me cajoling me back to wakefulness destroying the dream. All were strange to me. Time passed. I slept again and there were more dreams of Avon, of Vila and of others whom I thought I ought know but I did not. Then darkness receded and I was awake

I had been moved. I was no longer tied to the bed in fact the very bed on which I lay was different. It was no longer a wide medical couch, this was narrower more like the kind of bunk I had used, when I had a bed, on Gauda Prime, before Avon had come.

Before Avon came! The thought was quite enough to choke me. Before that man I had thought my friend had come and tried to kill me. I shifted on the bed awakening a whole new set of aches and pains and that scene from the tracking gallery in my base replayed itself against the inside of my eyelids.

Avon looked so wild, so desperate when he had asked that damn fool question. Had I betrayed him? Of all the stupid things to ask, I couldn't believe I heard him correctly, that was why I had kept on going even after he had told me to stop. I had been so sure Avon would not shoot me. And then he had. The actual shock of him firing was greater than the impact of that first shot. Sheer disbelief kept me moving towards him. For, though I could see death in his eyes, I could see madness and pain too. I had never been able to resist that man in pain. The second shot hurt like hell but I couldn't stop then. I had to see his face properly, to see his eyes and understand why he was doing this to me. I remember hearing a third shot though I never felt it, then he was there in front of me holding me and I still didn't understand. I never for a moment thought that Avon would sell me to the Federation and I wondered at his price.

Tears leaked from under my closed eyelids, I could feel their wetness on my cheeks. I opened my eyes to control the memory of him looking down at me as I lay dying. I remembered hearing shots as the others who had come with him died and still he didn't move, until, at last, when my vision had shrunk to contain only him, he moved to stand over me. Laying claim to his prize as the troops came in.

I rolled over on the cot, an attempt to ease the ache in my side and froze. I felt sick. Avon was there, sitting across the small room reading something. As I moved he put the sheets of printout aside and looked at me. Neither one of us spoke. I was too busy trying to control my heart rate to form a coherent sentence and he seemed content to wait for me.

I found myself studying him, comparing him to the man I remembered from Liberator. I think perhaps I was looking for an indication that this wasn't really Avon. He looked older, more than two years older, but then so did I. There were lines on his face and grey in his hair that I hadn't seen before and he looked tired. I don't expect he had had much time for sleep in the few days since he tried to kill me. Perhaps he was plagued with nightmares. I hoped that was the case, that Vila had come back to haunt him. As I watched he climbed to his feet and walked over to me, he limped slightly as he moved something I hadn't noticed in the tracking gallery. Then again he hadn't needed to walk far had he.....I had gone to him.

"Blake?" He said, stopping just out of my reach. He pronounced my name almost like a question and he sounded so unlike himself I wondered if perhaps he was a clone and not my Avon. Odd how I thought of him that way, my Avon. But no this was him, of that I could have no doubt. I didn't answer him but instead began to look round my cell. It was small and looked like a private cabin not a prison cell. I wasn't going to be fooled however.

Avon followed my search with his eyes ."What are you looking for ?" He asked.

"Surveillance cameras." I replied as I moved to sit up. Avon took a step forward as if he would help, something in my eyes must have warned him off for he pulled back abruptly. Silently I cursed. Avon's aborted move had brought him almost within my reach, if he had just come a little nearer I would have had him.

"Why would there be cameras?" He asked.

"Standard Federation procedure." I replied looking up at him.

"Federation...?" Avon echoed. Watching his face I could see his mind racing, briefly he narrowed his eyes. "You are not a Federation prisoner." He said at last.

"Oh. And I suppose you didn't just try to kill me?" He had pulled away as I spoke so I bided my time. If I meant to kill him before the guards who were, I had no doubt, watching could stop me, I would have to act quickly, the closer he was the better.

"Kill you..." Avon sounded genuinely confused. "I don't.... "He stopped talking then and sat down in the chair, almost as if he had fallen. I clenched my fists between my knees in frustration, he was much too far away. Glancing down I had saw my feet were bare, a disadvantage in a fight, also that I was dressed in dark pyjamas, not Federation issue. They were in fact the kind of thing I would have chosen if I had ever had the chance.

Avon was silent a long time, finally I looked up not sure what I would see. He was studying me, eyes narrowed in concentration. As he realised I was watching he rubbed his hands together. All was so familiar there was no way to doubt this was the man I had known on Liberator.

"Blake." He spoke at last. "Do you know where you are ?"

"Gauda Prime." I replied. He jerked back in the chair as if he had been slapped. "What's the matter?" I taunted. "I'm not supposed to remember the name of the place where you tried to kill me ?"

"Blake." He was on his feet now, walking towards me. I tensed ready. There are many ways to kill a man and I was familiar with them all. "You are not on Gauda Prime. We haven't been there for four years." He stopped, still too far away, head on one side. "You are in the medical unit on your base in orbit round Priam II." That made me jump. There was no base orbiting Priam, but I was planning one. Priam II was an agricultural world, backward and of little interest to the Federation. However the people were involved with my group and orbiting the planet was an out of commission, supposedly derelict, old style space station. Some of my people were already there looking into the viability of making it a base. If the Federation knew of the plan then I had a spy in my group and we were more severely compromised than I had thought. "You had an accident Blake." Avon continued.

"Oh that's what you call it is it?" I replied, rubbing at my belly. There were no bandages a fact I hadn't noticed before, but it was still tender, my ribs ached.

"You were working on the new teleport systems with me." Avon explained. Now there was a novelty. "There was a power surge through the damaged cables, you pulled me out of the way." He took a deep breath, uncomfortable as he would have been were this the truth, but I didn't let that fool me. Avon had always found outright lying difficult. "You were lucky to survive. We didn't think you had at first, you weren't breathing." He looked down at his hands than back at me. He was almost close enough now. "I'm afraid I broke a couple of your ribs, I'm not as good at first aid as I thought." He could see that I didn't believe him. "You have been unconscious for seven days, I'm not surprised that you feel confused."

I was not confused, just very very angry. Avon was clearly working for the Federation, I didn't know if he was programmed or had sold out. Either way, if I had my chance, I would kill him. If he was programmed than the Avon I had known was dead anyway and if he had sold out then the man I thought he had been probably never existed. Just a little closer I thought, come just a little closer.

"Blake?" Avon asked, clearly my silence was worrying him. He sounded so hesitant and unsure I began to hope he had been programmed, I didn't want to have been wrong about him too. I had to believe that once upon a time I judged this man correctly. His hand on my shoulder was a shock and I moved without thinking.

Perhaps I was wrong, given time perhaps I could have my Avon back, but we didn't have the time and couldn't risk failure too many lives depended on me keeping silent.

I lashed out knocking him off balance, tripping him. He fell heavily, clearly unprepared for my attack, his head connecting with the frame of my bed with a loud crack. I thought I might have killed him then. Almost without awareness I moved to sit astride him. He was out cold. My hands went round his throat, I could choke him or break his neck, it all depended on the hold. It didn't require much strength to kill a man, just the right frame of mind and then it was no more than swatting flies.

I tensed to crush the bones of his spine when arms went round my shoulders and there were hands pulling at me.

"Let go Roj." Someone shouted in my ear. I fought them but there were too many and I was pulled away. Avon was hidden from me by a mass of bodies as I was thrust aside to land heavily on the floor. One man stood over me, he wasn't in any kind of a uniform but he wore a gun and I knew him for the guard he was.

"Get a stretcher in here." Shouted the voice that had cried in my ear. It was one of the men from my first awakening, the one who had caught Avon when he fell away from my bed. He was bending over Avon as a woman ran to the door.

"Is he dead?" I asked. The man looked across at me then, his expression both worried and angry.

"No." He seemed about to say more but the another man, the other from my first wakening, put a hand on his arm.

"Not your fault." He said. He was sitting with Avon's head cradled in his lap, his fingers checking the pulse in his throat.

"No? Then whose?"

"His." He looked down at Avon for a moment. "You told him the risks. He insisted." I wasn't sure what they were talking about, nor could I understand this compassion from these Federation medics for Kerr Avon.

The stretcher arrived then and the man at Avon's head relinquished his place to come towards me. The man who blamed himself stayed at Avon's side as they manoeuvred him onto the stretcher.

"My name is Tomas Pask." He said. "Does that mean anything to you ?"

"No." I snapped, looking up at him "Should it?"

He rubbed at his face, glanced towards the door as Avon was moved through it. "Sam?" He asked. The man who had felt guilty looked up from a hand held medical monitor and smiled. Pask nodded then turned back to face me. It was clear from the exchange that Avon would live. That I had failed.I began to wonder if perhaps there wasn't a particular devil watching over Avon, he seem indestructible. Pask waved the guard away from me slightly as the cell door shut behind the medical team. "Get up off the floor Blake." He said. He sounded tired, not at all like a Federation interrogator.

"So you can knock me down again?" I asked. "I don't think so."

"No one is going to knock you down." He said. "Sit on the bed man, then we can talk." He lowered himself into the chair Avon had been using and waited. It seemed foolish, sitting on the floor, and the cold was beginning to seep through my clothes. I levered myself back onto the bed. Pask nodded. "Thank you." He said. He studied me a moment, weighing his words carefully. I waited, I was in no hurry, I had nothing to tell these people. "Roj." He began, "I know you are confused, that you are hurt. I heard all you said to Avon....."

"I rather expected someone would be listening." I told him

"Please, hear me out." He took a deep breath. "You are not a Federation prisoner. You are in part of the medical unit on your own base."

"And I've just forgotten all about it have I?"

"In a way yes."

"You expect me to believe that?" I found myself amused as well as puzzled. This determination to go on with the charade when it so clearly was not working was very strange. Why didn't they just cut their loses and go straight to the questioning.

"There was an accident Roj." He said. He used my given name far more easily than he had my surname, as if it were normal for him to do so. "Avon told you. You received a massive electrical shock. We thought it had killed you. Your heart stopped for a few moments." He half smiled and I realised I was rubbing my chest again. It did hurt but this was from no mythical electrical shock, nor from Avon's attempts to resuscitate me, this was caused by that man's attempt to murder me. "Yes, I'm afraid Avon was a little over enthusiastic." Pask said. He sounded fond as well as amused and that proved he didn't know Avon as well as he wanted me to believe. No one could know the man and talk about him that way. "But then you did scare him half to death."

"If this is my base." I asked, ignoring his attempts to be friendly, "Then why am I locked in here with that, " I pointed to the guard, "On the door." Pask looked at the man who shuffled his feet, oddly uncomfortable at being noticed.

"Because until you remember, or at least believe what I tell you, you are not safe out of here. Your injuring of Avon proved that don't you think?" He was clearly close to losing his temper. "Hell Roj you and Avon have been friends for a long time, why don't you believe him? I really expected you to start to remember when you saw this room and his face." He actually managed to sound disappointed.

"I do remember." I told him. "I remember that he tried to kill me. That I went unarmed to greet a friend and that friend shot me three times."

"That was four years ago." Pask said impatiently. "You must be able to see differences in your appearance, and in Avon's. You must realise that some time has passed. Come on Roj you're not stupid If we were Federation do you really believe we'd be pussy footing around like this. You, of all people, know exactly what the Federation is capable of in the area of mind manipulation." He rubbed his eyes. "Anyway why would we bother, what would all this be for? Why haven't we killed you outright?"

"Information." I replied. "You want the names I have locked up in here." I tapped my forehead.

"If you are right we have Avon why do we need you?" Pask insisted. "Come on think about it for a minute."

"So this is my base and you work with me." I said. "What about Avon?"

"Avon?" Pask echoed. "This base is run by you and Avon. That is why we are all still here. You alone, or Avon alone, have a tendency to be a little, well shall we say reckless. Together you curb each others more dangerous ideas. You are a team and one of which the Federation is becoming more afraid each day."

"He tried to kill me."

"He believed he had been sold to the Federation." Pask said.

"It must be catching." I replied.

"Roj, look past your anger. You and Avon came to terms with what happened on G.P long ago. Before I joined you. I don't know what you did but you sorted it." He sounded almost resentful, that something had happened before he had arrived, I could almost believe in this man.

"Sorted it out ?" I snorted, that hurt and I was suddenly tired.I lay back on the bunk closing my eyes. If he wanted to continue the charade then he would go otherwise he would call in his associates and they would begin their work properly. Frankly that would have been a relief, this little comedy was beginning to give me a headache. I heard the rustle of cloth as he moved away from the bunk, his footsteps towards the door. Then he stopped.

"Roj." He said softly, I didn't move, didn't open my eyes. "Avon is your closest friend. He has tried twice to reach you and you lashed out both times. Even if he wants to try again I will advise him not to bother." I turned to look at him then. He had his back to me, the door open in front of him, I could see people moving about in the room beyond. "You've been a Federation prisoner before. Does this seem like anything you remember? I know it is difficult but you might at least try engaging that logical brain you are supposed to have." He went out of the door then, taking the guard with him and I was alone.

The headache that had been threatening since I awoke was building now, I closed my eyes against the light and tried to think. It didn't help at all. I could not understand why they continued with the game. Avon had failed so why did they persist? It didn't make sense unless what he said was true but that was patently ridiculous, you couldn't loose four years from your life just like that.

The noise of the door opening disturbed my thoughts. Just as well as they were running in circles now. I rolled over on the bunk, if this was the beginning of my interrogation proper I wanted to be ready. The young guard came in and I tensed, however he was followed not by a team of Federation interrogators but by a boy of about sixteen. The boy carried a bundle of clothes and a tray upon which was clearly my dinner. It smelt wonderful. He put the tray on the table and the bundle on the chair Avon has used. His were eyes like saucers and remained fixed on me as I got up slowly and walked over, he backed away as I neared him, towards the door, the guard watched us both closely the entire time.

"Briece thought you might be hungry." The boy said. He half smiled. "Hospital rations don't agree with everyone." It sounded like he was quoting, and as if he expected me to know the source. I didn't. I lifted the cover and my stomach growled it looked very nice. I looked sideways at the boy and guard both by the door.

"How do I know this isn't drugged?" I asked. The boy looked horrified and took step towards me as if to deny it, the guard grabbed his shoulder.

"Out." He said and pushed the boy through the door. "You can eat it or leave it." He told me. "That is up to you entirely." I had the feeling that he didn't like me at all. Annoyed I picked up the plate and hurled it at him. He was out of the door before I had even completed the motion. The food hit the wall with a satisfying splat, but before I could enjoy the mess my stomach growled again. Beaten, for the moment anyway, I reached for a piece of the bread, all that was left on the tray. It was then I saw the knife and a plan began to form.

 

AVON.

"If anyone says I told you so I'll...."

"You'll what Avon?" Donovan asked. He didn't sound amused so I cranked open one reluctant eye.

"Listen?" I suggested. He relaxed slightly then so maybe it wasn't as bad as I had at first thought.

"Don't, make promises you can't keep." He advised. I didn't reply I was too busy trying to put it all together in my mind. I wasn't too keen on the conclusions I was coming to.

"Is Blake all right?" I asked finally. My last clear memory was of a very disturbed man.

"Blake?" Donovan said.

"Yes, Blake." I repeated moving to sit up. The change in position started a pounding headache and the room moved sideways. I decided it was bad idea and settled for leaning on my elbows. "He was what all this was about after all."

"He still doesn't remember." Donovan told me as he pulled the diagnostic sensors off my chest.

"Well that is something of a relief." I replied. "If I thought he had hit me this hard while in his right mind I would have been a little upset."

Sam smiled, relaxing at last, I hadn't realised he was so worried about me. "Would you like something for the headache?" He asked.

"How did you...?"

"I'm a doctor, that's what you pay me for." He replied holding out a tablet and a drink. Cautiously I sat up, the room stayed put, so, unfortunately, did the headache.

"We don't pay you." I reminded him as I took the pill and swallowed it down.

"I knew there was something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Vila's in charge of the money side of things." I told him. "You will have to wait until he gets back."

"That won't be long."

"They've been in contact?" I asked. Silly question as it was obvious they had but he didn't pick me up on it. I was grateful for the distraction of Vila and the others, it stopped me having to think about Blake. Stopped me having to ask Donovan what we should do next. I was all out of ideas.

"Yes. They want to talk to you."

"Did you tell them about Blake?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Vila didn't ask for Blake after Farrer told him you weren't well."

"He did what !" The shout was a bad idea, suddenly I felt very sick. Donovan, recognising the signs, held the bowl while I was thoroughly ill.

"He assumed you were still laid up after the fall." Donovan told me after I had finished. "I didn't correct him. As you hadn't told them about Blake's accident.."

I could hear the censure in his voice "We couldn't put information like that out on an open channel." I protested, again. "Anyone could have picked it up."

"Possibly." He said. I knew he thought me over cautious but it was only a month since my near capture on Priam. I still was not one hundred percent certain that the Federation hadn't been informed, that 'she' wasn't on her way here. "They are calling back, " He glanced at his watch. "In about an hour, you can talk to them then. Avon, " He paused. "I really think you have to tell them now." His tone sent a cold shiver through me.

"Why now?" I asked. "What happened to Blake?"

"Nothing." Donovan replied. He put out a hand to stop me getting up, then changed his mind and offered his help instead. "He is still in the room, still thinks he is a prisoner of the Federation and he still won't listen to reason from anyone."

I sat on the edge of the bunk, head down. I felt terrible sick, dizzy and tired. I lifted a hand to my head and encountered a dressing. "How bad?" I asked Donovan. More out of an attempt to occupy him than out of interest. I was aware and mobile, that was all that mattered, for at the moment anyway. Until Blake had his memory back I didn't have time to worry about anything else. I didn't bother to consider the possibility he might never recover. Donovan was doing enough of that for the both of us.

"You have a nasty cut there." Donovan reached for the dressing, gently checking it was still in place, "Concussion."

"Mmm." I nodded. Been there too often in the past not to recognise the symptoms.

"You also have some lovely bruises on your neck, you might find talking uncomfortable for a time." I touched my throat gingerly, I had been aware of discomfort there but could think of no reason for it. "Blake tried to throttle you." Donovan informed me, it was as if he read my mind.

"You must have been quick." I said. I had seen Blake kill with his bare hands before, he didn't like to do it but he was good and he was fast. The thought of those hands on my throat, intent on murder, sent my blood cold. Donovan didn't reply. "How long was I unconscious ?" I asked.

"Eight hours."

"Eight...." I got to my feet in shock.

"Where do you think you're going?" He demanded grabbing my arm. "If you think I'm letting you anywhere near Blake....."

"Do you imagine you can stop me ?" I asked.

"No." Pask's voice from the doorway, we both jumped. "But you might at least get dressed first."

"He can't go in there again." Donovan snapped.

I left them to it making my way to the bathroom, grabbing the bundle of clothes from the chair, someone planned ahead, as I went.

The sight that greeted me in the mirror wasn't very encouraging. Face white as the dressing on my forehead, purple and black finger marks round my throat, I wasn't going to fool anyone. Vila and the others were going to have to know something of what was happening here, if only to prepare them for their return should Blake not have recovered. Vila was going to be furious. Once that wouldn't have worried me and even now I wouldn't admit it out loud but things have changed and I have to confess his anger in this case would be justified. He always said Blake and I were not safe when left alone. The events on Priam, my injury and near capture by the Federation garrison commander had convinced him he was right and we had the devils own job persuading him to go with Tarrant and the women to see Sarkoff. It was only when Avalon asked, after it became clear I couldn't and Blake wouldn't, that he agreed. Truth was one of the Liberator's original crew had to go. Sarkoff didn't know Tarrant, Dayna or Soolin and even if he had trusted them Tyce wouldn't have and we needed her on our side more even than her father. Tyce Sarkoff had proved to have her father's way with words, her followers were some of the most dedicated and loyal the rebels had to offer. If Blake's planned attack on Earth was to succeed we needed them. And what if Blake didn't recover? A treacherous little voice muttered. I didn't want to hear that. Of course Blake would remember, he couldn't not. He had rediscovered his past after the Federation took it from him, a random accident could not be allowed to win where Servalan and her kind had failed.

"Orac." The idea came to mind abruptly. Orac was the answer. We had used the computer before to help Blake, we could use it again. As soon as the others were back we could help Blake. The little voice suggested that Blake wouldn't like manipulation by Orac, that he would see it as programming. But I ignored it.

"Avon?" Donovan shouted my name just as I finished dressing. I opened the door while still fastening my belt. The plan was clear in my mind. "Are you all right?" He asked me. I had the impression he had lost the fight.

"Fine." I replied walking into the room, Pask was standing in the corner looking pleased with himself. "How long until Tarrant calls in ?"

"Twenty minutes." He told me."Boots. "He held them out, grinning as I walked over bare foot and took them from him. "We didn't put them with the clothes." He said conversationally as I pulled them on. "Didn't want you wandering off until we had the chance to talk."

"So talk." I said, not very invitingly.

He looked at me for a moment without speaking, then looked over to where Donovan stood. "He's had an idea." Pask informed the doctor smugly. He was getting more and more irritating as time passed. It really was a great pity Blake liked him so much.

"Orac." I said and waited for the protest.

"Program him?" Donovan said shocked.

"No." I snapped, surprised that he should think I would suggest that. "Orac helped Blake fight Federation conditioning when we were on Liberator." Pask nodded. No doubt Vila had told him the story. " It could help him overcome this."

"This isn't programming." Donovan protested.

"It is in a way." Pask said. "Self inflicted, but in a way he is programmed."

"I'm not sure I agree." Donovan said. "He may just see it as a Federation trick."

"Self inflicted ?" I asked Pask, not sure I liked the suggestion that Blake had chosen this.

He shrugged. "Figure of speech." He suggested. I accepted that, for now.

"We can't use Orac until Tarrant and the others return with it." I said. "By then it may not be needed. Blake may remember spontaneously." Donovan nodded slightly but didn't look as if he thought it likely.

"And Vila's presence may be enough to trigger Roj's memory without help." Pask said. I wasn't sure I liked the suggestion that Vila might succeed where I could not and it must have shown. "Vila's presence won't trigger so many negative emotions Avon, " he told me. "Their reunion wasn't so, traumatic."

"Vila didn't try to kill him you mean." I said and was surprised how bitter I sounded. Pask didn't even blink. Donovan however came up behind him and looked at me. I could see his mind turning, wondering if I was quite well. Donovan remembered things from the time just after Gauda Prime. He remembered things I recalled only vaguely and wished I didn't.

A seven month long fevered nightmare after the shooting of Blake. At the time I hadn't expected to live, but somehow we all survived. It was long ago though not forgotten. Donovan was afraid I was heading that way again. The idea terrified me and I pushed it aside with difficulty. There was no time for that now. My illness, as Blake called it, no one else had given it a name, at least not in my hearing, had been triggered by Servalan's tampering with my mind on Terminal but only revealed itself after the events on Gauda Prime. I don't know if it had been deliberate or a fortuitous side effect of the drugs she had given me, one day I would ask. But today was not the time to even consider it. With Orac's help I had survived and recovered my balance. Blake had helped me find my way too and that was why I owed him now. With Orac's help I would find Blake's memories for him. I looked at Donovan steadily and was relieved to see some of the fear fade from his face. "I am fine." I told him. "Now I think it is time we talked to Vila."

 

The communications room was busy. Tanner was occupied, as usual these days, trying to keep track of Federation communications between the small garrison on Priam and any ships in the area.

"Anything ?" I asked.

"No." She replied "I don't think there will be any messages now Avon. It's too long ago."

"And your face isn't that recognisable." Farrar said leaning over the woman's shoulder. "Accept it Avon, we were lucky for a change."

"Possibly." I said. I looked at Tanner. "But you will keep monitoring?" I touched her shoulder lightly as I spoke, she smiled and nodded at me, some of Blake's ideas on 'man' management do work. I turned to Farrar. "Has Tarrant called in yet?"

"Not yet but we're expecting them any moment." He put his head on one side. "How is Blake?"

"No change." I told him, I didn't want distracting now. "He still doesn't remember any of this."

"How is that possible ?" Farrar asked Donovan as I walked towards the communication panel. I could hear him explaining but I tuned it out, I didn't need to hear it all again. The panel came on line as I arrived, first with the security code then Tarrant's personal identification code. The screen went fuzzy while a technician I didn't know touched the controls and then it was clear. Dayna's face appeared, she was smiling until she had a good look at me, then her grin faded. I assumed I didn't look any better now than I had when I first came to.

"Avon, what happened to you?" She demanded.

"Happened to Avon?" Vila's voice, distorted over the channel but unmistakable none the less, Dayna moved slightly and Vila's face appeared, he studied me closely for a moment. "What has happened Avon?" He asked at last. "You look like you've been in a brawl." That was a little too near the mark for my taste. I looked across to where Sam Donovan was standing. His lips moved silently, 'tell them'.

"Almost right Vila." I said, "How long until you are back here?"

"Two days." Dayna replied. I heard Tarrant mutter something in the background but the communications channel didn't pick it up clearly. "Avalon stayed on Lindor." Dayna relayed Tarrant's message. I was surprised to find myself relieved by this news, until this point I hadn't realised I had been dreading telling Avalon of Blake's injury so much.

"Avon." Vila cut in. "What happened to you? And where is Blake?"

I could see Donovan's smile out of the corner of my eye, Vila's perception could be too good at times. "Blake's been hurt." I told him. I regretted my bluntness at the look of shock on both Vila and Dayna's faces, but I could see no other way to phrase this.

"Hurt?" Dayna repeated. "How badly?" Vila didn't say anything, but as I answered the black woman I was very aware of his eyes fixed on my face.

"Seven days ago." I told her. "Blake suffered a massive electrical shock while working on the new teleport system."

"A week ago Avon." Tarrant's voice came clearly then. He must have moved closer to the pickup. "Why didn't you tell us sooner ?"

"We didn't want it out on an open channel." Farrar told him. I hadn't been aware that he was standing beside me until he spoke. Vila had gone very pale.

"Then why tell us now?" Tarrant questioned.

"He's dead." Vila said in a small voice filled with fear. He always was so very much quicker than Tarrant. "That's why you're telling us now isn't it Avon? Blake is dead "

"No, Blake is alive and recovering." Farrer answered Vila quickly. I didn't seem to be able to keep up with the conversation at all. Vila's eyes were fixed on my face and under their scrutiny I was finding it hard to concentrate.

"Avon?" Vila asked me. Didn't he believe Farrer? It seemed unlikely. Vila and the base commander had, astonishingly, hit it off almost at once. I could see no reason for Vila to suddenly question his drinking partner's word.

"Blake was unconscious for seven days." I found myself saying and it could have been a report by the medical computer, Vila flinched, but couldn't help it, I couldn't tell him this any other way. "He is awake now but he is suffering from temporary amnesia."

"He doesn't know who he is?" Dayna echoed, her voice filled with horror.

"No. He is fully aware of who he is, in fact his memory is complete up to a specific date. "Donovan spoke slowly and precisely and I was glad of his help. "It is a temporary condition brought on by shock."

"You're sure Avon?" That was Soolin's voice. I couldn't see her, or Tarrant, but they could no doubt see me, I flinched.

"So his doctors tell me." I replied, amazed at how cold I sounded when I wasn't even trying. "That is why we need Orac, to check the diagnosis and it may be able to help."

"What date?" Vila asked.

"A particular day four years ago." I replied.

"Four years." Dayna repeated, working it out.

Vila was a great deal faster. The little colour he had regained upon learning Blake wasn't dead had fled. "Gauda Prime." He said softly his eyes huge. I nodded once

"Blake thinks he's back on Gauda Prime?" Tarrant asked.

"No." I said sharply. "The last thing Blake remembers is being shot on Gauda Prime."

"He did that to you." Dayna guessed.

"Yes, well, " I fingered the bruises my collar didn't hide. "I'll remember to move faster next time." I told her.

"Sam, " Vila asked. "What isn't he telling us?"

"Blake believes he is a Federation prisoner. "Donovan said, before I could tell Vila just what I thought of the stupidity of that question. "He believes that Avon has sold him and anything we tell him is a lie calculated to gain his trust and belief in us so he will give us the names of his contacts." Vila swore then and half turned away.

"You want Orac to bring him out of it?" Tarrant asked. "Can he do that?"

"It." I corrected without even thinking.

"You want to program Blake?" Soolin asked incredulously.

"No!" I almost shouted. "Donovan believes that seeing Vila may bring Blake back without any help. If not Orac has helped Blake with Federation suppressed memories before this, it should be able to help here."

"Seeing me?" Vila said. "Blake did that to you and you want me to go and talk to him?"

"Yes, well You didn't try to kill him at the last meeting he remembers did you?" I snapped. Then cursed the concussion that was playing havoc with my temper. I was abruptly aware of Donovan's hand on my arm. I shook it off, but Vila had seen it there and his eyes filled with regret for his protest and sympathy. I silently cursed Vila then, and the doctors, who saw emotions in me which are not there. And men who had to throw themselves into danger without a thought for the consequences. I didn't need this. Not Vila's pity nor Donovan's understanding. "We need Orac." I said out loud while still damning them all for making this so hard. "It will be able to offer suggestions to help Blake. It has after all had access to the Federation science computers at various times in the past and they are the masters of memory manipulation." I looked at Donovan. "Get Pask up here and the two of you can brief Orac on what we want." I turned towards the door then, my back to the communication screen. "I have to finish the work on the teleport."

"Avon?" Vila's voice stopped me in my tracks.

"What?" I didn't turn round, Vila had a tendency towards emotion and he wasn't unknown to react to things he only thought he saw in other people's expressions.

"Blake is ill." He said very softly. I turned slightly. I can read emotions in voices too and he was hurting, whether for me or with me I needed to know. "He doesn't mean to hurt you."

That did it, I spun back to the door without meeting Vila's eyes. "Tarrant cut the trip down to thirty hours." I suggested. The door opened at that moment and Pask walked in. He always was the master of poor timing, from my point of view anyway. He opened his mouth to speak to me, a hand half reaching in my direction. I couldn't have that. "Brief Orac on Blake's condition." I commanded and pushed past him into the corridor.

I dropped the laser probe for the third time and swore loudly. Not very logical I admit but it suited the way I was feeling. I was crouched uncomfortably on the floor, partially beneath the teleport console and I have had better days.

"Tut, tut." Pask said. I jumped in surprise and caught my hand on the exposed circuit, sparks flew and the air filled with an unpleasant burning smell.

"What the hell do you want?" I shouted. My start had ruined two hours work, not to mention burning my hand, I resisted the urge to put the fingers in my mouth. Pask would have noticed the sparks no need to make it too obvious.

"Sorry Avon." He said softly. "I didn't know the circuit was live. Are you hurt?"

"I'll live." I told him sliding out from under the console, I didn't get up however. Just at the moment I was a little too tired to move any more than I absolutely had to. "Have you finished briefing Orac?"

"Yes." He replied. "And Tarrant's cut their arrival time down to twenty three hours."

"I hope that doesn't mean they will be in Federation sensor range." I said levering myself to my feet. Pask backed away to give me room.

"No, they'll still keep the moon between them and the base. The angle will be just a little sharper."

I grinned then. "I bet Vila loves that." I said.

"He didn't complain."

"No?" I turned to the console , to check the switches.

"No. Avon he's worried about you." Pask told me. "And frankly so am I."

"Don't waste your time." I told him. "I am perfectly all right"

"No you are not." He insisted. "Now sit down and drink this." He actually dared to push me slightly in the direction of the couch. I resisted at first but it wasn't worth the effort in the end. Anyway if I cooperated perhaps he would go without too much of a fight. I sat down and took the cup, it was coffee, real coffee. A rare treat on the station and a favourite of mine. I took a long drink, it was warm and made me feel a little better.

"Thank you."

Pask nodded slightly. "It shouldn't really be coffee though." He said. I quirked an eyebrow, too busy swallowing to ask. "You need to relax." He explained. "The caffeine in that probably isn't a good idea, but I didn't think you'd appreciate hot chocolate.

"No." I didn't say anymore but took another drink. Perhaps he would go away, though I doubted it. Pask was like Blake in many ways, including stubborn, than again that was a trait of many of the people here. "I'm fine." I said at last, tired of his silent scrutiny.

To my horror Pask seemed to take that as a signal of some kind, he sat down on the couch next to me. Not too close but near enough, I could smell his aftershave.

"No.You.Are.Not." He said slowly, intently. "You were almost fried alive seven days ago, and your friend, " I flinched at his use of that word. I didn't mean to but it was done before I realised. A week ago it would have been the right word, now I was not so sure. "Your friend." Pask repeated. "Saved your life almost at the cost of his own. He then spent seven days doing a very good impression of a corpse, woke up and attacked you. There is no way you're unaffected by all of this. You are human Avon." I shook my head. "However you may deny it, whatever reasons you may have and however you go about proving your 'inhumanity'...."

"Freak". I thought. The well known taunt of my childhood.

"You're human Avon." Pask answered me. I hadn't realised I had spoken out loud, I was slipping, I must be more tired than I thought. "Human DNA equals human being. However it came together, random accident, planned family or...."

"Federation eugenics experiment?" I asked bleakly.

Pask knew about my history. Not my doing, something he had learned from Donovan and Orac but he had never before mentioned. Like Blake whom I had told and Vila who learned it his own way, stolen from somewhere, he saw it as my secret, my choice to tell. And I never had. Now I knew why not. I put the cup down and pressed my hands together, the warmth my right hand had borrowed from the cup was the only bit of heat I had. I shivered in the cold of my own history.

"It still does not make you any less human." Pask said.

"Or any more ?" I asked him. "That was the plan you know."

"Supermen. Yes I know." Pask replied slowly. "The deliberate recombination of human genetic material under laboratory conditions to promote those factors deemed advantageous to the individual and eliminate those harmful to the species. They were trying to beat nature at her own game. To create homo superior, to force evolution into their own vision of the ideal."

"You read the files." It wasn't a question. Those were not the words I had given Blake on that long ago day, nor were the words Orac used to describe 'The Experiment'. Pask nodded. "They wanted to play god." I said. "Do you know what the called 'The Experiment' ?" I could hear the capitals in my voice even after all these years, I could still hear the raw hate.

"Human genotype....." Pask began.

"No." I interrupted him. "Not officially. What the technicians called it? What they called us?"

"No." He shook his head.

I looked at the floor between my feet for a moment. "Frankenstein's children." I said. "Have you read the book, the source? It's very old. Pre atomic." I looked at him sideways. "It is very apt you know for I will destroy my creators." I could see I was making him uncomfortable but it was his own fault he had come looking for me, now he could listen to the ravings of a mad man. I wondered if this madness had plagued all my 'group'. Possibly one day I would find out from Orac what had happened to the progeny of experimental batch 286/hc. Or maybe I wouldn't. I suddenly felt very tired, I yawned then caught myself. A suspicion grew I looked down at the empty cup and then at Pask.

"It wasn't drugged." He protested. But I knew it wasn't. Pask wouldn't do that to me. Donovan might, but Pask had his own rules, the end justifies the means was not one of them. We regularly argued about that. "But sleep would be a good idea. You've been hurt today, on top of everything else. Vila and the others will be here soon. Until then there is nothing you can do."

"The teleport." I said half heartedly.

"After the little display I walked in on?" He asked. "I suspect you will do more harm than good if you carry on like that Avon. Sleep." He smiled as I got to my feet. "I'll have someone call you in twelve hours." He said.

"I will be back here in three." I told him. I don't need much sleep, never did. A useful trait really when you considered all the clearing up after Blake I ended up doing. "And you will call me at once should anything happen."

"Standing orders Avon." He admitted ruefully. "Standing orders." I didn't believe a word of it but I left him there among the detritus of my work on the teleport.

&  

;

Someone had glued my eyelids closed while I was sleeping, that was my first thought when a loud noise woke me from a deep sleep. Then I realised what the noise was and my exhaustion fled. I had been woken by the insistent beeping of my intercom even as I realised this the noise changed from the impersonal computer generated call signal to Farrer's voice. He sounded desperately worried. I threw myself off the bed panicking. I could think of only one reason for Farrer to call me. For Pask to allow him to wake me before I woke naturally. Blake! Something had happened to Blake. Even before my hand hit the switch I knew what I was going to hear. Blake was dead. He believed himself a Federation prisoner, all his friends dead, he had done the only logical thing. The thing I would have done in the same circumstances, he had killed himself. I cursed myself for a fool, I should have known, should have seen this coming.

"What ?" I snapped. I was shaking and covered in cold sweat. I hadn't taken time to change when I had staggered back from the teleport to my bed, just collapsed fully clothed on top of it. I was paying for that now.

"Avon." Farrer's voice, he sounded breathless and worried. "It's Blake."

My nightmare confirmed. "I know." I said. "How did he do it?"

"He had a knife." Farrer said. I felt sick. A knife. I saw the blood. Saw Blake dead. I didn't think I could take much more but Farrer was still speaking. "He's threatening to kill him."

"What ?" I asked stupidly.

"Blake has a knife on Phillip, he says he will kill him unless you come now."

Blake had a knife on..... Then he was alive, it had all been just a nightmare. I took a deep breath, concentrate. "I'll be with you in two minutes." I told Farrer. "Keep everything calm. Tell Blake I am on my way."

In the brief time it took me to pull on my boots and race to the medical section I had considered,

and rejected, every scenario for getting us all out of this alive. Where the hell had Blake obtained a knife? Pask had checked that room out personally before we put him in there. There was nothing he could use to injure anyone. Nothing he could turn against himself, so how had he come by a knife? And how had he found his hostage? Phillip of all people. That child had been nothing but trouble ever since he turned up with his brother. Farrer should never have let the boy remain on the station but Briece had found him a job and Blake hadn't minded. He understood Jon's reluctance to lose the last of his family and the boy worshipped Blake, would have walked trough fire if Blake asked him to, and I had thought Jenna's devotion bad!

There was a crowd in the short corridor which led to the medical section. People I knew, in some cases knew well, but I didn't have time to notice them today. They parted to let me through to the main unit as if choreographed. At least there were no patients in here at the moment. I hated to imagine the logistics of moving the sick and injured out of harms' way. Things like that were Blake's forte not mine. The unit looked as it always did apart from the small group gathered by the door to the outer annexe. Farrer was there talking on the intercom, Donovan and Pask were talking to Jon, and Briece was leaning against the wall, white as death wringing his hands. It seemed odd for the pilot and Briece to be here, as if they were intruding on a private tragedy, then I remembered who it was Blake held hostage and it was no longer a surprise.

Briece saw me first. "Avon." He shouted as he leapt towards me. A frightening sight normally as he was bigger even than Gan, but today he looked small and afraid. "You have to do something. It's my fault. I never thought, and now he's going to hurt Phillip."

"No one is going to get hurt." Donovan said, but I didn't pay any attention to him something Briece had said was of far greater importance.

"Your fault?" I asked, a cold fury building within me. "What didn't you think ?"

"The knife. It never occurred to me Blake would be dangerous. Phillip took him some clothes, food....."

"..And a knife?" I couldn't really believe what I was hearing.

"I sent him some bread, those hard rolls he likes so much, you need a knife for those." Briece said defensively.

"Of all the......." I grabbed the front of Briece's jacket. I was closer to killing than I had been for a long time. "Stupid, halfwitted. You let Blake have a knife." Farrer grabbed my arm and Pask was suddenly at my side.

"Avon, leave it." Pask shouted. "You can deal with this later. Now." He pointed me towards the door.

I took a deep breath, gave Briece a glare that, I hoped promised trouble later, and walked towards the open door. This led into a small observation room, Blake's room had been beyond that. I couldn't see into the room properly but that was clearly where Blake was holed up. As he was out of the medical bay there was no way to catch him on camera. I noted all this before I reached Donovan and Jon, who were still arguing. As I reached them Jon pushed at the doctor, lifted his gun and turned towards the unit door. Without even being aware I had moved I found myself in his way. Jon froze, momentarily too surprised to think what to do,

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I demanded. It was an insane move. I was unarmed facing a bigger and very angry man who was carrying one of Dayna's new guns, set to kill. Yet he stopped and backed away slightly. For a moment I thought I had won, then he pulled himself together.

"Blake's gone crazy Avon." He said to me. "If you weren't so blind you would see it too." I had the impression that this sentiment was shared by a few of the faces outside the unit. No one said anything however. "I'm going to stop him now. Before he gets someone killed."

My vision vanished in a white fury. I grabbed the barrel of the gun and used it as a lever to spin him round, once he was against the wall I knocked the gun away. How he didn't shoot me I'll never know, it wasn't until he was pinned there that I realised what I had done, but I held him there and we were eye to eye. Someone behind me let out a long breath through their teeth.

"You will do precisely nothing." I hissed through clenched teeth, the only way to keep them from chattering. Under my hands I could feel the muscles of his arms tense, getting ready to fight. I wondered if he realised how very dirty I would fight to keep him away from Blake. I smiled one of my nasty smiles, Vila hates it when I do that. I might be older than Jon but I am a great deal more dangerous and he had to know it. I didn't have time for argument. "Don't try to fight me. "I advised. I let my voice drop, calculated to frighten, the crowd by the door reacted even at a distance, so it had to reach the fool before me.

Jon seemed to sag in my hold. "That's my brother in there." He said. "I can't let anything happen to him."

Neither can I, I thought. "I know." Was all I said however as I pulled away from him. His look was one of disbelief, but how could he understand how far I would go to keep from harm anyone in that room. That was Blake in there and I could not allow anything to happen to him. Neither could I allow harm to come to the boy. For Blake's sake, if for no one else's, I had to protect the child as much as I had to protect Blake. And I had no idea how to do it.

They were all watching me as I moved towards the intercom, it was open. Someone had obviously been talking to Blake. Donovan was there now, he moved to give me room, as if I would know better than he what to say.

"Blake?" I spoke into the open channel.

"Avon." He identified. "Come to the door. I want to see you."

"Why?" I asked.

"To talk." He said, "Come or I will kill the boy."

"He's just a child." Jon said. I hadn't known he was behind me until that moment.

"Shut up ." I snapped, but Blake had heard him.

"I want to see you Avon. Nothing will happen to the boy if you come where I can see you. "Blake sounded very close to the edge...to panic. He was very dangerous in this state. I wished Vila was here, he could always find ways to defuse situations like this. He had been doing it for years though I had been a long time catching on. My mind raced in circles but I could find no answers. Around me people waited expectantly and I didn't know what to do.

"Gas?"Farrer asked. Clearly he was knew I was unsure what to do, I had to pull myself together.

"Nothing's fast enough." Donovan told him. Obviously he had been considering the options. "Blake would still be able to injure, if not kill, Phillip before it took effect." He paused. "The only thing fast enough would be cyno-chlorine. But that would defeat the object."

"Why?" Jon demanded.

"It's lethal." I told him. "And I am not planning on anyone dying today."

"No?" Pask asked me.

"No." I told him, though I had my doubts about how truthful I was being. I didn't plan on anyone dying but it seemed quite likely it would be unavoidable. Contrary to popular belief I am not suicidal but as I considered Blake's likely demands it seemed perfectly possible that my death was the only one I could fulfil. Pask however accepted me at my word.

"Blake won't hurt Philip." Donovan said confidently. I turned to face him, the pale blue eyes locked on mine were clear and certain in their belief in Blake's integrity.

"No?" I asked him. I was not so sure. I had seen Blake kill before. When he sees a greater purpose can be served by killing he can be more ruthless even than I. The people here had never seen him on his search for Star One. Never known how many innocents he would have killed or condemned to living death by his actions then, if Travis and the Andromedans had not intervened. That Blake had been obsessed, not himself, as Vila would have said, just as the man I was about to face was not the man I knew. I realised that today I had no idea how Blake would react or what he was thinking, something I have rarely faced before. The few times I had were etched in my memory as beacons of horror. The shooting on Gauda Prime chief among them.

"He won't kill the boy." Donovan repeated. "He might, however, kill you ."

I nodded. I was well aware of Blake's feelings towards me. If I went into that room I might be walking to my death, and I was afraid. Not of dying, I had faced that before, too often now for it to be anything more than a dark but familiar companion, but of dying by Blake's hand. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps it would make no difference to him, but I couldn't help but fear his reaction when his memory returned should he kill today. Blake was still adept, even after all these years of work on my part, at assuming guilt for things which were not his doing. I couldn't imagine what the guilt for murder of a friend would do to him. For his sake, and for my own I admit, I would do my best to ensure he never faced that.

"In his right mind Roj wouldn't hurt either of them." Pask told Donovan softly. "Now?" He shrugged and looked at me. "He could kill."

"Well?" Blake's voice demanded accompanied by a choked off sort of noise that could only be the boy. Jon's hands clenched on the gun.

"I'm coming." I said loudly. Jon relaxed a little. Pask's expression hadn't changed but he had never doubted I would go.

Sam Donovan put a hand on my arm."Avon..."

"I know what I am doing." I lied. "Watch Jon." Sam hesitated, seeing more in my face than I wanted him to, then nodded once. "And Sam...." His eyes widened at my use of his given name, but strangely, it had seemed quite natural to me. "If anything happens, " I didn't specify, there was no need, "No recriminations. I choose to go." He nodded again, understanding me perfectly, better even, I suspect, than I did myself. "Farrer..." I said then. "Any order I give is to be obeyed to the letter. No heroics. We do what he says, unless...." I paused, "Unless it puts this base or any more lives in danger." Farrer looked as if he might protest, I could almost see him wishing Tarrant was here or even Vila. I knew he liked to run my orders by Vila sometimes. Not that he didn't trust me but he was a straight forward man, like Deva had been and at times he just did not understand the devious workings of other's minds. I could almost feel sorry for him. "Explain to the others what happened when they get back." I said finally. Then I turned towards the open doorway.

I couldn't see Blake at first and thought perhaps he returned to the inner room, a movement to my left alerted me to the fact I was wrong. I started to turn.

"Slowly Avon." Blake advised his voice as hard and bitter as I had ever heard it and I obeyed him. Finally I saw him, half hidden by the metal file cabinets Pask and Donovan used to store their records. He looked worse than he had when he first came round. Pale, black eyed, the old scar on his face standing out like a livid brand, as if it were new, he looked haunted. He had a sharp knife in one hand and this he held against Phillip's face, close to his eyes. The other hand was clenched round the boy's throat. Half choked and clearly terrified, Phillip was close to collapse. He held on to Blake's sleeve with one hand but he would never have the strength to resist him. "Into the light." Blake told me, indicating I should move away from the door. "Where I can see you properly."

Phillip's eyes were huge in his thin, pale face. I don't think I have ever seen anyone, even Vila, look so frightened. They were fixed on me, unblinking, expecting me to help and I couldn't even help myself.

 

BLAKE.

When Avon appeared in the doorway I was astounded. I had expected the Federation to go through the boy to get to me. After all he was clearly only a Delta grade menial, I had seen this as a way to get them to kill me before I had given them any information. And now here was Kerr Avon, walking into the jaws of death-he had to know I wanted him dead-for a child! I told Avon to move further into the room, actually made him jump, he hadn't known where I was until I spoke. That was a rare pleasure. I had a good look at him then. For someone I had tried to kill he didn't look too bad, it was rather disappointing. A small surgical dressing covered the wound on his forehead, where he had hit the bed. I could see bruising round it and the collar of his dark shirt couldn't hide the marks of my fingers on his throat. I guessed I was making a similar pattern on the boy's throat now. A little selfconsciously I loosened my hold slightly. Avon moved into the room carefully, still favouring one leg and he kept his hands where I could see them.

"And now ?" He asked me, head on one side. He sounded very calm, in control.

The boy in my grasp squirmed slightly. I moved the knife closer to his eyes."Be still boy." I told him. "You'll never make a pilot with one eye." Though what made me think he wanted to fly I couldn't say. The boy froze. Avon looked sickened, probably read his death in my eyes. That had been the plan, now an alternative offered itself and I have never been slow to grasp alternatives. There was a movement behind Avon, possibly in response to my words I knew the com' channel was still open, sounds of a scuffle reached us. Avon half turned, I pulled back into my corner. If they were coming for me I wasn't about to make it easy. The knife moved in my hand and I knew I had cut the boy.

"Farrer?" Avon demanded, his back was turned to me now, killing would be easy yet I did not move. "Keep it quiet out there." Avon turned to face me again. He did not seem aware of how very vulnerable he had been, as if he trusted me. Fool! I would show him how very dangerous trust was, just as he had shown me. His expression hardened at the sight of the boy. I had no idea how badly he was cut but it couldn't be serious, he never made a sound. "Blake, let the boy go."

"Why Avon?" I asked him. "Worrying about someone else's skin, that's not like you." It wasn't true or it hadn't been, but I was interested to see how he would react now.

"We are not your enemies." Avon replied. "Phillip, " He nodded towards the boy, so at last I learn his name, "Is a friend of yours. You are not a prisoner."

"Your word on that Avon?" I asked him. His eyes changed then lightening a little no longer looking completely black, he really thought he had me fooled.

"My word."

"Very clever." I felt such hatred for him then, that he had sunk so low. "Once that may have meant something, even Jenna trusted you when you gave a promise. Now, " I smiled at his expression. "Who would trust the word of a man who sold his friends." Avon seemed to shrink a little then, clearly he did not know what to do. The boy moved slightly and something wet ran across my fingers where they held his throat, blood, I realised.

"What do you want Blake?" Avon asked. "Or do you intend to stand here until he bleeds to death?"

"It's not that bad." I protested, and I truly hoped it was not. "There is only one death I really want."

"Mine." Avon stated. He didn't sound distressed or afraid, just very tired and I wondered how hard the Federation were making him work for his money.

"I want a ship." I said. "A way off this station, and you." Avon nodded as if it was all just as he had expected. He turned towards the door. "Use the intercom." I told him, nodding my head towards the set on the desk. "I want to hear what you have to say."

"Very well." He walked over to the desk, this took him away from the door, closer to me. If anyone should try anything I would have a chance at him at least. "Farrer?" He spoke into the open connection.

"Yes Avon." It was the man I had spoken to earlier. He sounded much calmer now and I marvelled that Avon's presence should do so much for him. He always made me tense.

"Blake would like a ship. Is the medical shuttle in it's bay ?" Avon kept his eyes on me all the time, simply watching me or as an attempt to prove no duplicity I couldn't tell.

"Yes it is there but...."

"No buts." Avon told him. "Will that be satisfactory ?" He asked me. "The medical shuttle's bay is below us, two levels down. Access via a lift." He pointed, "Out there."

"How convenient it should be waiting for us."

"Yes, well, you haven't led anyone on one of your suicide missions lately." He told me.

I didn't answer just smiled slightly. When would he give up on the idea he could fool me I wondered. "It will do." I said. "The three of us will go together. "Avon bowed his head as if he had expected that. "And anyone tries anything the boy is dead. You too Avon. I am quite capable. "Avon lifted a hand to his throat, I'm not sure he knew he did it.

"Oh I know exactly what you are capable of." He told me.

"And I you." I reminded him. "I would like a gun."

"Naturally." He replied." I, however, am unarmed. And I doubt very much you could persuade anyone out there to give you a weapon." I hadn't taken it in before but it was true, he didn't have a gun, hadn't had one any time I had seen him since my first awakening after the shooting. For a moment I considered that he might be a prisoner too. But that didn't fit with the memory of him shooting me and I am sure that if he were being forced into this charade he would have found some way to let me know.

"Then you had better persuade them."

He shook his head."Not really my forte Blake."

"Farrer!" I shouted so my voice would activate the intercom pickup.

"Yes Blake?"

"You heard."

"The shuttle is ready." He replied. "I will have a gun placed on board for you. I cannot let you have one here. I'm sorry Avon." Sorry Avon? What did he mean I wondered.

"I'll kill the boy." I said and tightened my grip. The boy made that choking sound again and Avon took a step towards me. He froze when I lifted the knife and spread his hands in surrender. All right so they wouldn't give me a gun, I hadn't really expected then to. I had the boy and they didn't seem willing to let him be hurt, perhaps it would be enough.

"Very well." I said. "Avon tell them we are coming out, any sign of trouble and.." I didn't need to go on.

"Farrer." Avon began.

"We heard. The path is clear."

"Lead on." I told Avon. "But bear in mind they will have to go through you and the boy to get to me."

"We have no intention of 'getting you'" He said. "We are not your enemies."

"Just walk Avon." I told him. As he moved so did I, I was directly behind him when we reached the door. The outer room was almost empty, three men stood together against the far wall close to another door. Pask, the man who had stayed with me in the cell after I tried to kill Avon, a bigger man with pale eyes I remembered from my first waking into this nightmare and a third I did not know.

"Blake." The man who had held Avon so carefully after I had tried to kill him, took a step towards me as he spoke. I moved quickly. Keeping hold of the boy's throat I moved the knife until it lay along Avon's ribs. I'd like to see anyone take that away before I killed him. Avon was startled by my move but he didn't flinch. The man stopped moving. "Please." He said. "Stop this. Trust us.... Trust Avon."

I shook my head. Trust and Avon together in the same sentence, it was almost obscene. "The lift?" I requested. They hesitated. "It would." I began. "Be very much easier to kill Avon here and now." The thin man moved then, palming open a door. I backed towards it pulling both prisoners with me. As we stepped into the lift the man with pale eyes looked at Avon.

"I'm sorry." He said as the door slid shut.

I was well aware that there were any number of traps they could have laid in the lift, poison gas, explosives but I was banking on the fact they still wanted me alive, Avon too of course, and upon the speed with which they had had to prepare all of this. They should not have had the time to do anything elaborate.

The lift door opened into the hanger as Avon had said it would. The medical ship was small, the nature of the beast, and , probably unarmed. Hardly surprising, you wouldn't let anyone into the middle of a war zone in an armed ship, but looked sturdy enough. The hanger wasn't well lit but seemed clear. I kept a close hold on the boy but gave Avon a little more freedom as we walked towards the hatch. When we reached the ramp the boy stumbled, accidentally or deliberately I don't know. He pulled me down, slightly off balance and Avon moved to take the knife away. A voice echoed round the hanger, no words just a shout. I turned to face the danger pushing my hostage at Avon hard. A dark shape detached itself from the shadow cast by the shuttle. I could see a gun coming to bear. Without thinking I threw the knife. The shot went wide, slamming into a wall, sending sparks round the hanger walls, but my aim was better. I heard the most satisfying sound of metal entering flesh as the blade hit home. My assailant was dead even before he hit the ground. I used the momentum of my throw to move after the knife and get myself away from Avon. He was I knew a dangerous fighter. Once I had been proud of his skill in areas an Alpha grade should know nothing about, now I was afraid. I snatched up the guard's fallen gun and spun round on one knee to face the man I had no doubt would be moving in to kill me. He wasn't there! The boy was on his hands and knees, where my push must have sent him, staring at the trooper's body. Avon hadn't moved from his place at the ramp's foot, he looked sick and tired, and just for a moment, utterly lost.

"The ship now!" I shouted stunned by the expression on Avon's face, neither of them moved. I lifted the dead man's gun. It was small, compact-fit easily in my fist. Like nothing I had ever seen before. Dayna's work I identified, but I couldn't remember who Dayna was, nor where I had heard the name before. "Move!"

Avon touched the boy lightly on the shoulder and he lifted his head. There was blood on his face, from the small cut just below his eye, my doing, and tears streaked his cheeks. He seemed to take in the gun for the first time and, with Avon's urging, got to his feet.

He turned to Avon and, in a voice far younger than his years asked. "Why?" Avon seemed lost for words. Apology and anger reflected in his eyes, I didn't give him time to choose.

"Both of you, now." I indicated the ship. I couldn't afford any delay the guard's actions may had been unofficial but I doubted the Federation would allow me to go much further. Avon pushed the boy up the ramp and I followed. I had them stop as soon as we boarded and, while keeping the gun on Avon, I sealed the door, then waved them towards the flight deck.

It was only a small ship, mostly medical bay the flight deck was small and efficient, capable of holding the three of us easily. Jenna would have appreciated it, I'm not a good enough pilot to care. Iit was a way out that was all that interested me. I waved Avon into the pilot's seat, the boy moved with him as if in mesmerised, perhaps he was younger than I had thought. Then I sealed the door and depressurised the rest of the ship.

"Done." I said with satisfaction. "Now if there are any more of your friends out there they are dead." I moved to stand directly behind Avon as I spoke and pressed the gun against the back of his neck. "I assume you can fly this thing." I ignored the boy, dangerous perhaps but I didn't think he was any kind of a threat now.

"Blake..." Avon started, I pressed the barrel harder.

"Just fly the thing." I said. "Don't talk. You have nothing to say I want to hear, and it would be easier to kill you now." The boy made a sound of protest and moved as if to intervene. I wondered if I had made a mistake about him. Avon lifted one hand and stopped him dead.

"Very well." He conceded as the boy settled again and he reached to power up the engines. "Do you have any particular destination in mind, or are we just going to fly in circles until we run out of fuel?."

"Just get us off the station." I told him. I didn't have an answer to this question because I didn't expect us to survive that long. Any moment I was certain the Federation would cut their losses and blow us out of the sky. Frankly that would have been a blessing. I was tired, my head ached, my ribs hurt when I breathed and the universe no longer made sense. As long as I took Avon with me I would not have minded dying this way, the way Jenna had.Out in a blaze of glory with the right kind of companions for my death, my enemies.

The ship shuddered as the engines powered up, then the bay doors opened in front of us and I was looking out into space. A gold and blue planet hung above us in the black sky. I know the words above and below have no real meaning in space, Jenna told me often enough, but I'm not a spacer, not by choice anyway and that was what I saw. As we began to move I was aware of something small and dark moving out with us then it was lost in the darkness.

"Jon!" The boy leapt up from his seat reaching for the controls. I slammed him back hard, then moved to stand over him, he was like a child cringing away from an expected blow. I felt sick.

"Leave him Blake." Avon said, but there was no need for his warning, the anger had gone out of me completely in the face of this child's tears. I didn't say anything just turned away and sat in the seat next to Avon, co-pilot I suppose.

"Why Avon." I said, deliberately flippant to cover my reaction to the boy. "Your sentiment is showing." Avon froze. I could read shock in the way his hands clasped the controls, in the set of his mouth. He turned slowly to look at me, his eyes were very black. Before he could say anything however the communicator came to life. He reached for it but I knocked his hand away. Just for a second I thought I had gone too far, goaded him at last into reacting to me. If he attacked me in anger I knew I could kill him, but I fear I lacked the courage to kill him in cold blood. He recovered himself quickly relaxing back in the pilot's position.

"Be my guest." He waved a hand at the controls.

I opened the channel. "This is Blake."

"Blake?" The voice was young, female and hauntingly familiar. Avon reacted, a look of surprise, then hope crossing his face. He clamped down on it when he realised I was watching but it was too late I had seen, I was warned. The setting showed the message was from a ship not the station, a glance at the scanners showed them to be small and a long way off. The course looked to be for the station, more Federation then.

"Unidentified ship." I said, "You will not approach this vessel. I have hostages and I will not hesitate to kill them." I closed the link then, certain they would contact the base for further details. "Now get the navigation computer on line."

"Blake." Avon tried again. I pressed the gun against his face hard enough to indent the flesh of his cheek.

"Just do it Avon." I said. "Or do you really want your much vaulted brains splattered all over this flight deck. It would give the boy something to do wouldn't it? Cleaning up the mess ."

"Blake!" The boy shouted, he sounded disgusted and shocked and still full of tears.

"Be still." I said. "Or I will kill both of you."

"Like Jon." The boy said softly.

"Philip." Avon commanded and the boy was silenced. Avon looked at me "Then who will you have clear my brains from your decking ?" He asked very quietly. But he turned on the navi' comp so I let it pass. We were, as he had claimed, in orbit round Priam II. I had friends there and perhaps a little time to warn them of the Federation's proximity.

" I don't know what to do." The boy spoke up again. "I thought he...." He was talking to Avon about me that much was clear but what he meant was lost as he dissolved in tears again.

"I'm not impressed with the company you keep." I told Avon.

"You just killed his brother." Avon snapped back It was clear he regretted the words as soon as he uttered them, but he couldn't call then back. I felt as if I had been kicked in the gut, his brother !

"A Federation trooper." I accused, trying to cover my confusion.

"A pilot." Avon corrected. "This, " He lifted his hands from the controls. "Is usually his job."

I didn't know what to say, looking at Avon then at the boy it was clear that Avon was telling the truth. Where this fitted with the Federation and their attempts to break me I didn't know. Avon had turned back to the controls, from the set of his shoulders he clearly regretted saying so much. I saw him take a breath as if to speak and found I was afraid of what he might say. The flashing of a light on the control panel broke the moment however, the small ship that had hailed us when we left the station was trying again. The sensor readings showed them to be a little closer, it had to have an incredible turn of speed, but they were still too far away to identify. I considered my options. This ship was fast but very short range. The planet was my best bet for safety. If I could land undetected I could see who, if any of my people had survived. The Federation presence wasn't large and there may be a way off planet later when things had calmed a little. The boy's sobbing broke into my thoughts, I looked across at him. I could let him go once we made planetfall. Avon on the other hand...I looked at my would be murderer and found he was watching me.

"Blake?" He asked when he saw my eyes on him. He sounded strange, unsure of himself. I don't know what he saw in my face to produce that effect but I simply shifted the gun to my left hand then reset the navi' comp. Avon followed my move, studying the new settings. "It will take eight hours." He told me.

"The station isn't that far out Avon." I told him. Did he really think he could stall me like that.

He shook his head. "To stop the Federation base picking up all the traffic between the base and the planet all our ships follow an elliptical course, they appear to have come from outside the system."

It made sense but was not what I wanted to hear. I lifted the gun to his eye level. "I'm sure you can override the program." I told him.

"No." was all he said, but I knew it for a refusal to obey not a denial of his abilities. I considered then turned the gun on the boy. Astonishingly Avon hesitated, then he shook his head. "I cannot override the program." He said flatly. I knew I should kill the boy, this would be easier with only one hostage, one man to watch, and the boy wasn't important, just a Federation slave, probably barely Delta grade. But these were the people I had said I wanted to free. Avon was watching me closely but I had no idea what he was thinking, his expression was more closed to me than I had ever known. Suddenly 'the end justifies the means' wasn't such a good idea. The boy was a real living human being not a number on some casualty list and I knew I couldn't kill him. I think Avon knew it too there was a barely perceptible slackening of tension in his face. The communications panel flashed again and Avon turned on the audio before I even thought to stop him.

"Blake please answer." Vila's voice flooded the small flight deck and my world slipped a little further out of focus. I felt sick. Vila working for the Federation? I couldn't believe that, wouldn't believe that. Federation tricks again. I slammed my fist down on the console. Not the most considered of moves, but it cut the connection before the voice from the grave could say any more and made Avon jump.

"No more tricks." I told him. "Change the course."

Avon lifted his hands from the controls. "It is too late now Blake." He said "We are locked on. I cannot override the programming now. I designed it that way."

"Foolish of you." I told him. He cocked his head on one side, clearly puzzled by my tone. "I'm not sure I can stay awake that long. And if I get too tired... well I can't very well leave you alive at the controls can I?" He pulled away from me slightly, seeming surprised by my words. "And if we're on automatic I don't need a pilot do I?" I moved the gun again tormenting him. The old Avon would not have reacted to my move, would never have let the flash of fear show in his eyes no matter who threatened. I had seen him face death before and there had been times he seemed to welcome it. But not today, today he was afraid. "Boy." I said, never taking my eyes off Avon's. "Find the medical kit." Avon's eyes widened, then narrowed as he tried to work out what I planned.

When the boy had the kit I told him to get out the bandage roll, these kits usually carried field dressings and bandages for emergencies. "Avon." I said as the boy fumbled to obey, "Put your hands behind your back." He was startled but obeyed me. "Phillip tie his hands together and to the back of the chair." The boy looked horrified but he must have seen my determination for he did as I told him. Once that was done I had him return to his seat and tied his hands. He was shaking and very pale, possibly he was in shock or perhaps he was just afraid, I wasn't interested enough to find out. With the boy out of the way I checked his handiwork on Avon. Not too bad but I tightened them anyway. It gave me some satisfaction. Avon wriggled his fingers. "Don't worry" I said and patted his shoulder. "If they should drop off I'm sure the Federation could fit replacements."

"Like Travis?" He asked. Phillip sort of choked.

I smiled. "Careful Avon, or I might make the face to match." I told him as I settled in my chair. Avon's back was to me so I used the chance to find the painkillers from the kit. My chest ached, every breath was hard work and the pain in my head was starting to echo the beat of my heart. I also found the tranquillisers, if I found I couldn't stay awake I would have to use it on my companions.

"My, this is going to be a pleasant trip." Avon said.

"I'd enjoy it if I were you Avon." I told him carefully. "It might be the last thing you ever do."

"Stop it." Phillip said suddenly. Startled I turned to look at him. He was very pale and looked terrified as his eyes shifted from me to Avon frantically. "Stop it please, " He repeated very softly. "You're not supposed to be like this." He looked suddenly much younger that the sixteen years I had guessed at and very close to tears.

"Philip." Avon said and the boy focused on him. I looked as well. I had seldom heard Avon's voice so soft. "Watch the sensors for me." he indicated the board with a nod of his head. "I need to know if they register any ships, all right?" Phillip nodded and I could quite literally see him trying to pull himself together, to do what Avon had asked of him. It annoyed me.

"Keeping a look out for your friends?"

"And yours." He replied swivelling in the chair to look at me. "Where, exactly, are you planning on going?"

"Fishing Avon?" I taunted. I sat back in the chair and crossed my legs, bringing the gun to rest on my knees.

Avon's eyes dropped to it then came back up to my face."Do you intend to use that?" He asked.

I shrugged. "If necessary. I want some answers Avon. The truth for a change." He looked at me for a long time, considering I supposed, whether to carry on the farce or produce a version nearer the truth. It would be interesting to see which way he chose. I stared back. It was strange but he did look older, there was grey in his hair and lines on his face I didn't recall, but I am no picture myself. I was so tired but at least now Avon had stopped baiting me the headache was fading. The effort to get this far had taken it's toll. Now in the almost silence of the ship in flight I found sleep becoming more and more appealing, but I couldn't give in to that. There was no way I could sleep while Kerr Avon was alive and aware on the ship with me. If the need became irresistible I would have to kill him.

"You have heard the truth already." Avon said at last. "From me and from others. You choose not to believe."

"Show me a man who believes in anything and I will show you a fool." I quoted him. It always disconcerted him to have his own words thrown back. I'm certain half the time on Liberator he said the things he did simply for effect. Avon shrugged as if it didn't matter. "You want me to believe your attempt to murder me occurred three years ago." I said.

"Four." He corrected softly.

I shrugged, it didn't matter. "That I survived and forgave you. That you were not a traitor, working for the Federation." Avon's eyes never left my face all the time I was speaking. "And that this miracle continued. We set up a base and that was where I woke up."

"Yes."

"However the miracle that kept us alive didn't work for anyone else." He frowned. "I woke up on my base but for some reason there was no one there I knew. That, very conveniently, everyone I knew from the time before you tried to kill me is dead."

"Vila is alive."

"Oh yes, Vila. Thief, coward and backslider. He's alive just conveniently off the base on some mission for me. Doesn't sound very likely does it Avon?"

"Vila went to Lindor under protest."

"Of course."

"Under protest because you would not."

"Why not?" I asked.

Avon shrugged and looked away. "I do not know." He said at last and I knew it was a lie. Finally a weakness in their story I could use. I leant forward in the chair. I wanted to push the point, to watch him squirm. I would have the truth from him if it killed us both.

"Oh come now Avon, surely you can do better than that" I said. "Perhaps he went for the wine, or maybe Tyce has him on a promise."

"Possibly." Avon replied, but still he would not meet my eyes.

"And why didn't I want to go?" I asked. This would be even more interesting than their suggestions for Vila's going. Why would I stay behind if it was so important. "Come on Avon, surely a man of your intelligence could suggest something?"

"Basic stupidity." He snapped. I was beginning to enjoy myself. It felt good to break through the veneer of calm, to see the real Avon, frustrated and angry, underneath.

"He didn't go because of you." Phillip spoke up then. I didn't at first follow his meaning until I realised he was talking to Avon not me. He avoided even looking at me, as if the sight of my face offended him in some way.

"Shut up." Avon glared at the boy, but I was curious.

"No Philip." I said, turning. "I'd like to hear what you have to say. Why didn't I go to Lindor?"

He looked at me then, his eyes were red with crying and he looked terrified as he searched for a way to begin. "You didn't go to Lindor with Del..."

"Del?"

"Tarrant" Phillip explained. "Because you wouldn't leave the base with Avon so badly hurt."

"Avon hurt?" I echoed, I looked at the man in question but he wasn't looking at me. Then abruptly he was with eyes shadowed with anger and pain and something I couldn't read or even begin to understand. It was unpleasant to see, I turned away. "Tell me more."

Phillip shrugged. "Donovan said Avon would be all right but you said you had to stay 'cos it was your fault."

"Basic stupidity." Avon said in a tone that said the boy had simply proved his earlier point. I didn't understand.

"And how is Avon supposed to have been hurt?"

"He got shot and he fell a long way on the Federation base on Priam, when you went after the Pylene 60 formula." Phillip said. "That's how he hurt his leg, why he walks funny now." He sounded very young for his sixteen years and I found myself wondering, as I had in the cell, if he was mentally retarded in some way. It would explain why he had been doing menial tasks on the base, but not the trouble Avon had gone to to keep him alive. Something did not add up but I was at a loss to work out what it was. My head hurt again, waves of pain washing over me with each beat of my heart and that was too fast. Something must have shown in may face for Avon moved towards me as far as he could.

"Blake?" He asked. "Are you all right?"

"Fine." I said bringing the gun up, he pulled back looking almost disappointed. I knew I needed sleep but I couldn't leave Avon and Phillip alive if I did and I didn't want to kill them. Didn't think I could not now, in cold blood. The intensity of hatred it would take for me to murder a bound and helpless Avon did not exist, no matter what he was guilty of. I faced this fact for the first time. He was a traitor to my cause, to me and I knew that had to be punished, but I could not kill him that would have to be done by rule of law, by others not by me. I settled back in the chair. "Shouldn't you be watching the controls?" I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders, as much as he could under the circumstances "I can't do anything like this." He said. "Do you intend to leave me tired up for the entire flight?" I nodded. "Eight hours?"

"You decided upon the time." I reminded him, then closed my eyes cutting him out. I think I rather I hoped he would turn away if he had no audience. I just did not feel up to sparring with him any more.

It wasn't such a good idea. There were faces waiting for me behind my eyelids, friend's faces and stranger's faces and they all knew my name. They screamed it in terror or cried it in pain, or said it like a prayer. Vila was there. He looked angry and afraid, a combination only he ever managed. He didn't just call my name, he was talking to me, rapidly, earnestly wanting me to understand, but I couldn't make out the words. I struggled to understand, to reach him but the other faces got in the way and their cries drowned out his words.

 

AVON.

I shouldn't have been surprised when Blake had Phillip tie my hands, it was the logical thing to do under the circumstances as he saw them, but I was. Even more so by the vicious way he pulled the bonds tighter. There was, I realised at that moment, a very real possibility I could lose my hands.

Phillip's words had made him think, of that I was certain. They had planted a seed in Blake's mind, perhaps even opened up a way for him to remember. I had been shocked when Blake had asked me that question and it had been impossible for me to answer him. In the face of his hatred and mistrust how could I answer? Phillip had found a way. He had told the absolute truth, perhaps that would make a difference.

Blake was clearly in pain and it was getting worse but I couldn't do anything. Every time I so much as moved he played with the gun. I knew he was exhausted when he ended the discussion so abruptly and leant back in the chair, eyes closed. For a moment I was concerned but his breathing slowed to the rhythm of sleep so I relaxed. He needed it, so did I in truth, but I could wait. I tried to free my hands but that just seemed to make it worse. As far as I could tell when he tied me up Phillip had not followed any pattern just knotted the bandages any way he could. None of Vila's techniques would get me anywhere with what was essentially just a very big tangle. As the bonds tightened I realised it wasn't simply futile but dangerous. I had no feeling in the fingers of my right hand already and the left was getting worse. I looked at Phillip but the boy appeared deeply asleep, shock perhaps, and if I shouted loudly enough to wake him I would wake Blake too. I considered my options. We were in no immediate danger, the ship was computer controlled for the flight and Blake would wake long before we came near to landing. It seemed to me that to make a move against Blake now would simply confirm his belief that he was a prisoner and in danger. To do nothing would surely go some way to convincing him of truth.

Trying to ignore the cramping in my shoulders and the numbness of my hands I turned my attention to the controls, Tarrant's ship still showed at the very edge of the detector range. I wished there was some way I could contact them but the communications panel was well out of my reach tied to the flight seat as I was. Not that that fact stopped me from trying nose, chin and, at one point, feet. By twisting I could almost get my boot to make contact. It wouldn't have been very dignified or very controlled and it was going to play havoc with my back but if it had worked it would have sufficed. I had to give up eventually accepting it as impossible. It has never been my way to persist with the totally impossible, except perhaps in my attempts to teach Blake caution and sense. I am after all a rational man above all else.

I went back to watching the controls. Tarrant was no longer on the screen. I assumed this meant someone had worked out where we were headed and planned a rendezvous on the surface. I hoped they had some ideas because just at the moment I was out of them. And that was quite a confession to make even if just to myself in the silence of the flight deck.

Some time later I felt rather than heard Blake move and turned to look at him. His expression was chagrined, clearly he was not pleased he had slept, but it had done him some good. He looked a little less pale. I asked him how he had slept even knowing it was a stupid question, just the thing to annoy him. He never was his best when woken abruptly but I couldn't help myself.

"I suppose you expect me to believe you now?" He asked me, clearly angry. ignoring my question

"Well now." I replied easily. "That would have been nice, however, " I reminded him. "I cannot actually go anywhere at the moment." Blake climbed to his feet then and pulled on the bindings round my wrists, it wasn't necessary and it hurt. "I still have some feeling in the fingers of my left hand "I told him.

"Really?" He said and checked it again. "I must see what I can do about that. I might find letting you live as a double amputee a fitting punishment for treachery. An eye for an eye, Avon?"

I felt sick. It could well come to that, even now it was going to hurt when he freed me, if he freed me. Blake might just find something fitting in destroying my hands. He'd threatened a man with just such a fate before, and, as he had known the horror of such a threat to a surgeon, he knew the horror of it to me. To live crippled, helpless, dependent on others for everything, bereft even of the dignity to feed and clean myself. I pulled away a little then, but there was nowhere to go and he saw my reaction. He held my eyes with his as he spoke and I knew he hated me, knew that this farce was going to end in death, mine and his, and there wasn't a damned thing I could say or do that would stop it. Phillip moved slightly and I looked away from Blake, glad of the excuse.

"What is he Avon?" Blake asked

"What?" I repeated surprised by the phrasing. Phillip was just someone you got used to, a sixteen year old with a child's mind. He would never 'grow up', he was dying of a progressive genetic disease his brother blamed on the Federation, accurately or not I don't know. He didn't belong on the base, but had arrived with his brother and somehow Blake had been talked into letting him stay. I did not normally have any contact with him but now I was forced to and I couldn't help but wonder what would happen should he survive all of this. "He is one of your more devoted followers." I told Blake, it came out sarcastic, I hadn't intended it to. "For more than two years he was been underfoot, causing problems and hanging on your every word."

"I bet you enjoyed that." Blake said. Then, as if remembering that it was all lies, he pulled away. "I'm requiting children now am I?" He asked and I could see the ghosts of the obscenity trial in his eyes. I turned away, biting back the hundred or so replies that sprang to my lips, anger on my part was not going to help now.

"His brother joined your army, Phillip was part of the deal. Briece adopted him and he adopted you." I looked at Blake again. "All very sickeningly predictable really." I said. "Do you remember anything?"

"You know something Avon." He began, almost pleasantly. "I sometimes think you do believe all this is real, the passage of time, our reconciliation." I saw the pity in his eyes and realised he suspected I had been conditioned, that the things I claimed to remember were a lie. 'Like Terminal' the little voice muttered. I pushed it aside, that way lay madness. I couldn't think of an answer for him, of a way to prove my story. Then the proximity alarm sounded.

I almost dislocated my shoulder trying to respond to the alarm. As it was I hurt my neck, sending pains shooting into my head and along my jaw and tongue. "Blake!" I demanded when he didn't react at all. He leant forward slowly, deliberately annoying, cut the alarm and altered the setting on the sensors. I swore.

"Your friends appear to have given up playing." he said. I didn't take the time to consider what he meant as I recognised the signal as a Federation pursuit ship the same moment he did. There had to be a way out I just needed to think a minute .

To my total horror Blake opened the communication channel, the voice that came over the intercom was male, officious and fairly typical of a pursuit ship pilot. We caught him mid sentence.

"...Identify yourself and prepare for boarding."

What the hell were we supposed to do now? To my continuing horror Blake decided to answer.

"This is the Medical Rescue Ship. Galen out of Priam base." He began, I had to admire him for thinking on his feet. "We are on our way to the medical centre with an emergency. Delay could prove fatal for our patient."

"M.R.S. Galen, you will halt and prepare for boarding. Failure to do so could prove fatal for all of you." I could hear the pilot's pride at his little joke which just made me feel sicker.

"Negative." Blake snapped back in best military commander tone. "We are engaged in a life or death mission, we have priority."

"No one has priority over me." The new voice was fainter than the pilot's, not really meant for our ears I suppose. It sent by blood cold.

"Servalan." I couldn't help but say her name. Blake closed the audio link at once and looked at me. I don't know what my face revealed, it couldn't have been all I was feeling, I wasn't even certain of all of it myself. But it must have held something of it, for the first time since the beginning of this nightmare I knew Blake was looking at me without hate.

"She's dead." Blake said. Then his eyes clouded slightly, he shook his head. "Sleer!" Even though her appearance now was a disaster I couldn't help a small thrill of hope. Blake only knew Servalan as Sleer since Gauda Prime. The memories were still there, he could find himself again. If we survived.

"You will halt, or we will open fire." The male voice persisted.

"Blake." I demanded. "Untie me."

"Give me one good reason?" He said.

At this point the commander of the pursuit ship reached the end of her limited patience and made good her pilot's threat. The shot was meant as a warning, a way to encourage cooperation. I doubted there would be any more like it.

"Good enough?" I asked. Blake was considering the controls I noticed. "You're not a pilot." I protested.

"Neither are you."

"I am now. Blake please."

Blake weighed the situation up a moment longer, the wait was interminable, then he cut my hands free. The ship fired again, closer this time, Servalan had learned a little patience in her later years I noted. I flexed my fingers trying to restore feeling, they looked like the fingers of a corpse, blue/white and bloodless. I hoped it was premature.

"One false move." Blake reminded me lifting the gun.

"Yes. Yes." I wasn't really listening. "Blake hail them, tell them we are ready for boarding." I told him.

"You mustn't." Phillip protested. I told him to shut up. Shouting at him wasn't the best way to go but quite frankly I didn't have the time. I heard Blake apologising to the ship's pilot, something about a faulty drive but tuned it out while I considered my choices. The feeling was coming back to my fingers and I wished it hadn't, moving them now was agony and gripping the controls almost beyond me, but Blake could not do this. I wasn't even sure I could, but there was no other way.

I slowed our flight moving us into a docking pattern with the Federation ship and hoped the manoeuvre was convincing. It seemed it was, Blake fell for it and the gun moved.

"Avon." He warned softly.

"Patience." I muttered as I prayed the modification to the ship's drive had been as successful as that to Blake's own ship. The star drive was still a source of wonder for the crew on the space station. Tarrant liked to use it to impress the ladies, mostly they weren't. The pursuit ship closed in on us rapidly and still I waited, the drive control under my fingers. This was going to be all guess work, I just hoped it was an educated guess. Blake was uncomfortable but I had to give him credit he didn't panic. He couldn't know what I planned, not in his state, so I assume his plan was simply to kill me first if I didn't get us out of here. He sat beside me watching, the gun in his fist quite steady, aimed at my head.

"I really would prefer it if you moved that." I said, as mildly as I could.

"I'm sure you would." He replied easily. The ship was almost near enough now.

"I will be rather upset if it fired by accident when ....."

I hit the controls. For what could have only been a fraction of a second nothing happened and I cursed the crew's workmanship then the new engines fired into life and we left the fastest ship the Federation had to offer standing. It was a very nice feeling. The acceleration had knocked both Blake and Phillip back in their seats. Luckily for me Blake's reflexes had kept him from firing the gun now all I had to do was to keep control of the ship. A plasma bolt narrowly missed us as the pursuit ship's commander pulled herself back together. It hadn't taken her long but I hadn't expected it to. Servalan was just too good for that. I began evasive manoeuvres. This wasn't the best ship to try to avoid anyone even at speed and I'm not the best pilot, still as I learnt long ago with Blake, beggars cannot be choosers. "This may." I said, "Get a little rough."

"Rough I can manage" Blake told me.

The pursuit ship was following us now, firing incessantly and they were getting the range. Not even the stardrive could outrun a plasma bolt like this, we had to get down. The ship rocked from a hit, sparks flew and Phillip screamed. I rolled the ship with the impact, made it look worse than it was.

"What the hell?" Blake demanded.

"We can't out run a plasma bolt." I said.

"Obviously." He replied as another bolt hit close to home. Again I rocked the ship taking us into the planet's atmosphere.

"I'm just going to try a trick I learned once." I said.

"An old pilot's trick." Blake asked me. Though I think he knew what I planned.

"No a young one's actually." I said baring my teeth in the kind of grin he was used to. I could almost see Tarrant's face when he had tried this little trick. It would certainly be one in the eye for him if I managed it better. I took the Ship into a dive. To all intents and purposes it appeared we were barely under any control. The pursuit ship was still there, a bolt hit us hard enough to make the dive even more realistic and I discovered that Tarrant really was the pilot he imagined himself to be. "Strap yourselves in." I said when I realised I only had marginal control. The last hit had done more damage than I anticipated.

"Your young pilot's trick didn't work then?" Blake taunted.

"Maybe a little too well." I replied "We are about to make a rather abrupt visit to Priam II."

I was astounded when Blake struggled out of his flight seat and made his way over to Philip. For a moment I thought he intended to kill the boy and there was not a thing I could do to stop him. But he did nothing of the sort. He fastened Phillip in his flight seat then moved back to take the co pilot's place.

"You'd be safer back there." I suggested.

Blake glanced at the more padded seats one of which Phillip occupied then shook his head."I don't think so." He said then fell into his seat as we lurched again. I was losing control rapidly.

It was the kind of trip of which nightmares are made as I fought to keep the little control I had of the ship and bring us down in one piece. We appeared to have lost the pursuing ship, perhaps they had fallen for my trick, we certainly had. But I didn't have time to worry about that now as the planet's surfaced loomed large and I searched for a place to, if not exactly land, then at least not crash quite so hard. These ships were tough, had to be considering some of the places they ended up, but not even they could survive an uncontrolled dive from the edge of the atmosphere, and thanks to Blake depressurising the rest of the ship the life capsules were not an option. Beside me Blake watched in silence, he neither offered help nor advice. I didn't quite know what to make of that, perhaps he thought it better to die in an accident than at the hands of the Federation. I could see his point, but just at the moment I wasn't ready for dying at all. Phillip was curled up on the flight seat moaning softly, reminding me of Vila. Then the time for such thoughts was gone. The ground loomed up too close, too fast and I had no time to consider my passengers at all.

 

I opened my eyes and for a moment contemplated the miracle that meant that I could do even such a small thing. It was very dark and I wasn't sure which way was up but I was alive. It hurt too much for me to be dead. I shifted in my seat and the world came back into focus. I was still in the flight seat, the strapping had held even against the rough ride I had just given it. Something tickled the side of my face. I jumped thinking of flies and spiders and things that prey on the dead but when I touched it I realised it was blood, my own. Somehow I had reopened the cut on my face. I sat up slowly hands pressed against my ribs and, although it hurt, it appeared that by some kindness of fate I had survived in one piece.

The flight deck was lit only by the emergency lights giving a macabre red glow to everything as I searched for my passengers. Blake was slumped across the controls. Half afraid of what I would find I felt for a pulse, it was there, steady and strong, it felt normal to me. I released the straping holding me to the flight seat, w incing at a pain in my wrist. I flexed my fingers, they moved, so I assumed it wasn't broken and ignored it. I lifted Blake's head and moved him to a more comfortable postion in the chair. He was breathing easily, almost looked as if he were simply sleeping so I left him, to check on Phillip.

My own condition, and that of Blake had occupied my attention so completely it was only now that I realised Phillip had been thrown out of his flight seat by the impact. The safety strap hadn't held, or perhaps Blake hadn't fastened it properly.

The flight deck was oddly tilted, I stumbled as i walked down the slope towards the boy. He was dead, hes neck broken. It was obvious before I even reached him. Hands tied he hadn't been able to save himself from the fall, if of course he had been conscious when it happened. I lifted Phillip back into his seat, setting him more naturally and I freed his hands, it seemed only right, and I found myself regretting the waste of life, even one as marred as this. I moved back to the controls, there was still a little power, enough to run the emergency beacon for a short time, Orac would be able to pick that up.Perhaps the others would get here before Blake came to and before the crew of the pursuit ship found us.Before she found us.

I turned to Blake, touched his shoulder to check his condition and found myself once more facing his gun.

 

BLAKE.

I never expected to open my eyes again considering the speed with which the surface of Priam had hurtled towards us. However it seems the devil looks after his own even today, when religion is outlawed and his existence denied. My devil was still with me. I could hear him moving slowly and carefully about the flight deck, a grunt of effort told me he was moving something heavy but I ignored it taking time to see how I felt. Everything seemed to be in working order, although even my eyebrows hurt. That had been one hell of a landing I had not expected to survive.

My devil was back I could feel him standing beside me. I still had the gun clenched in my fist, its presence an oversight on Avon's part I could barely credit. Still Jenna always said even Avon couldn't think of everything much as he believed otherwise. A hand touched my shoulder. I opened my eyes to find Avon's face close to my own, I lifted the gun to a point directly between his eyes and smiled. Give me one good reason I thought.

Avon spread his hands wide showing they were empty and stepped away from me. The flight deck tilted and he slipped a little as his walked, it was washed with blood red light and Avon's eyes glittered. I wondered if I had been wrong in my diagnosis of our physical condition. Perhaps we were dead and this was hell. Avon and I trapped together forever. Perpetually at odds and yet unable to end it all by killing each other. Looking at his expression I thought he possibly felt the same.

"It appears." He said softly-almost apologetically. "That I am not quite the pilot I imagined." I said nothing and he seemed disappointed. Then he backed away a little further to give me room to stand. The flight deck wasn't silent as I had first thought. Now the blood no longer rushed in my ears I could hear a small rhythmic noise, almost like muttering, it came from the control console. I turned to check it out, noting as I did Phillip slumped in his flight seat. There was a light on one of the control panels, a little power remained in that particular system. It was the communications panel. Avon had activated the emergency beacon. My devil was summoning his friends.

Furious I lashed out, backhanding Avon across the face. He hadn't seen it coming and went down hard. It was satisfying, but I wanted more. I moved to stand over him, aiming my gun at his back, he didn't move. It would be easy to kill him. My finger tightened on the trigger of it's own accord. An absolute blinding rage filled me with the need to kill, to pull the trigger of the little gun and remove Kerr Avon from the face of the universe.

Unable to resist the need to fire I spun away from his sprawled figure and shot out the communications panel. The noise and sparks that resulted were nothing like as satisfying as Avon dead would have been, but I needed him alive, at least for the moment. Keeping the gun ready I bent over him, he was groggy, disorientated. It seems I had hit him hard enough to knock him out briefly. I snatched at the ends of the bandages dangling from the back of the flight chair, roughly pulled his hands behind him and bound his hands once more. Then I turned to the boy.

He was dead, his neck broken. Either Avon had done it deliberately after we landed or it had happened in the crash, which seemed unlikely as he was still in his seat, unless Avon had taken the time to settle his body back in it's seat. Then I realised his hands were no longer tied, it seemed Avon had done just that. Arranging the body with a most unlikely concern. The knife he must have used to cut the boy's hands free was discarded on the seat at Phillip's side. I picked it up and looked back at the crumpled figure on the deck. Avon was starting to move. It didn't make sense, in fact nothing this man did made sense to me. It was confusing, frightening, taking away my stability and plunging me into the terrifying possibility that I was wrong. But I couldn't be wrong. Avon was lying, no one could lose four years and have no awareness of the loss. Even on Earth as soon as Foster told me my past I had known he was telling the truth. By that token alone I knew Avon lied. Avon was simply doing this to confuse me and he couldn't be allowed to win.

A new sound alerted me to the fact Avon was back with me properly, I turned to face him. He was still on the deck struggling to rise but stopped moving when he felt my eyes on him. He faced me, looking first at my gun then up at my face. The red light did odd things to his face, casting strange shadows, I could have been looking at a bare skull. It would have been easy to pull the trigger and end it, and Avon knew it. It seemed he might just welcome it. Then the moment was gone, Avon was simply Avon, my living breathing nemesis and I needed him to stay alive a little longer.

"Get up." I commanded. He did so, awkwardly due to the way his hands were bound behind him.

"I could have taken that, " He nodded at the gun "While you were unconscious. The fact I did not must mean something."

"That even you are not infallible." I replied. "How galling that must be." I noticed he hadn't even glanced in Phillip's direction but that he had taken in the state of the communications panel. "I didn't want your friends arriving and spoiling our reunion too soon."

"That beacon's frequency was quite specific, only Orac could have picked it up." He said slowly, flexing his shoulders to ease the pain in his back. There was fresh blood on his face, black in the red light.

"And the Federation have Orac."

"Vila has Orac." Avon spat. His patience, it seemed, was gone.

I sighed. "Vila is dead." I told him. "Like the boy." I don't really know why I pointed that out, Avon knew after all, perhaps I simply wanted a reaction from him. I was disappointed. His eyes flicked sideways very briefly.

"Yes well, without his brother he wouldn't have lasted long anyway." He said. There was no sorrow no pity. Nothing there for the boy who had protested at my mistreatment of him. It sickened me that I had ever called him friend.

"And that's all it is too you?" I asked him. "He defended you." Avon avoided my eyes and the fury I felt before returned. I reached forward and grabbed his shoulder, roughly pulling him round to look at the body. Avon looked down then but his face didn't change expression at all. "Bastard." I called him and pushed him away turning my back. I almost felt as if his close proximity would contaminate me too and I hated him for it.

"A few hours ago you were threatening to kill him yourself." Avon reminded me.

I didn't need that. And he was in no position to take the moral high ground, not now, not ever.

"Blake will you accept that you are ill. Even you must realise things are not as you believed them to be."

I looked at him, his face was close to mine and there was such certainty in his eyes I could have believed him then. It would have been easy to accept, but if I believed him them I had killed, or caused to be killed two of my people and hurt another. That was not something I could accept. Avon was lying, he had betrayed me and was now trying to confuse me into betraying others. That had to be the truth, I had to be right because if I was not then how could I go on? It was too much, I was consumed with confusion and guilt. I remembered Avon on Liberator and Avon on Gauda Prime, the two did not match yet I knew they were the same man. Here was that man again and he was both of them and he was neither. Bound and helpless before me he still tried to make me understand him. This man I could believe was the man I had trusted on Liberator. If the events of Gauda Prime had never happened I would have no hesitation to trust him, whatever wild story he told me. But Gauda Prime was seared in my memory, it coloured all that had happened between us since the first moment we had met. I could not accept the story this man told. All round me the world had ceased to make sense. I had nothing to trust outside so I had to trust myself, my mind, my memory and they told me Avon had tried to kill me, that he was a traitor, that he would destroy me if he had the chance. I would be very sure he did not get that chance.

"Back off Avon." I said, the gun raised aimed at his stomach. If he had pressed me I would have killed him then. It was one way I could be sure to end the confusion in my mind and ending that was becoming of more importance than finding the truth. Avon held my gaze a moment then he seemed to collapse internally, he took a step away. I took a deep breath. "I think it is time we were on our way."

The emergency escape hatch functioned perfectly first time, but that is how these ships are designed, letting the feeble light of Priam in. It did nothing to dispel the bloody shadows of the flight deck, made them worse if anything. It was cold and damp, probably raining it did that a lot here so I had been told. A miserable poor world, a good place on which to die.

"Out." I told Avon, he looked as if might protest then snapped his mouth closed and clambered out. He made heavy weather of it, his bound hands didn't help but I was certain he was exaggerating the limp. If he hoped for sympathy he was wasting his time. I pushed him roughly and he stumbled to his knees in the churned up mud of our landing site.

Once outside I took in our surroundings, ignoring Avon as he struggled to regain his feet. The sky was dull grey and water seemed to hang in the air. It had been raining and would no doubt do so again and soon. We had landed in the middle of a open area, good luck or judgement on Avon's part I didn't know. The path of our arrival was clear in a line of broken trees and torn up ground, a deep, muddy trail leading to this point. It was a pity we hadn't hit the ground harder then Avon could have succeeded in killing and burying us all in one move. It was, frankly, a miracle we had survived at all. One piece of proof to add to my hypothesis that whatever the name of the deity controlling the universe it had a damned sick sense of humour.

Avon was on his feet, unsteady in the mud, dishevelled and uncomfortable, he looked at me. "Which way ?" he enquired.

"Does it matter ?" I asked shivering. The damp was soaking through my shirt and Avon was no better off.

"If Servalan has tracked us down" Avon said and the hate in his voice when mentioned that name was obvious and confusing, "She will arrive shortly. It would be better for us if we were not here." he glanced at the ship and for a moment I thought he would suggest a decent burial for Phillip, foolish of me. "If we had some power." He said. "I could set the destruct." He smiled then. "Killing her might make some sense of this."

"There is no power." I told him. "And since when do medical ships have self destruct ?"

"Since they began working for you." he told me and smiled so oddly it made me cold all over. "They catch it off the people." He said silkily.

"The trees." I told him pointing. His behaviour was starting to frighten me. No longer was I facing a man who was trying to tell me a lie, he seemed lost somewhere inside his own head. There was an anger in him, directed away from me towards Servalan, an anger that seemed neither reasoned nor rational. He was confusing me again. Maybe he had been right in the stories he had told me. Phillip had backed him up and he didn't seem capable of prevarication. Was it possible that the people on the station had been telling me the truth? The picture they had painted, a successful and growing rebel group, whole planets freed from the Federation had been like having all your wishes granted. That was one of the reasons I had to doubt it, it was too much like a dream come true. That and the memory of what Avon had done on Gauda Prime.

It was hard to walk in the mud of the field, the grass was long and untended and very wet, our boots sank at each step, and we stumbled repeatedly. My boots collected the mud becoming heavier with each step and Avon, handicapped as he was, fell. He grunted as he went to his knees then stayed down, head bent. I could read exhaustion and surrender in the set of his shoulders. I'm not sure he would have moved again. I bent over and grabbed his elbow intending to pull him to his feet, he was shaking, exhaustion, fear ? I didn't know which but it gave me pause.

"Avon?" I asked very softly. He turned his head to look at me and seemed about to speak but he didn't get the chance. The peaceful silence of the field was shattered by the sound of engines. It seemed Avon had been right in his judgement of that woman. She had found us. Avon didn't react to the sound, his face was grey, there were lines round his eyes and mouth that I had never seen before, he looked old and it was shocking. "Get up." I said. He seemed surprised by my tone and well he might, for the first time I found I could speak to him without fighting waves of anger and it showed. I pulled him up. I hadn't seen the ship, didn't need to, to know it was our death. We had to keep moving. He struggled to steady himself then pulled away from me.  

With difficulty we made it to the shelter of the trees. It was starting to rain, a steady greyness that could probably keep up all day, the trees would provide some shelter and maybe time to think. I needed that time. I kept us moving into the cover but it wasn't deep-didn't even qualify as a grove really. At the far side were more fields, no farm, no buildings of any sort. No place to hide.

Avon leant against a tree, he was breathing heavily and didn't look well. I didn't feel too clever either, the cold made breathing uncomfortable and my head was beginning to hurt. Avon was dirty and bedraggled, as muddy as I, if not more so. We made an odd picture hiding in the trees in the rain. Dying this way was not something I had ever foreseen. Not that I considered dying very often but when I had it had always been flashier than this. A blaze of glory like Jenna. Not on some dirty little world when no one would ever know of it, and not with Avon as my companion.

"We should keep moving." I told him.

He looked up. "Why ?" He asked simply, and I could feel the defeat, the weariness in him and I ached for it. Ridiculous, but suddenly here in these damp trees I could believe we might together have overcome the shadow of Gauda Prime. Was it true ? I found myself wondering and I think he saw it in my face, "Blake ?" He asked softly and there was something in his voice that spoke of hope, he took a step forward and stumbled. I reached out to catch him.

"How sweet." A woman's voice cut into the quiet of the trees.

Avon jerked away from me as if my touch burned, but I didn't let him go. The hopes of just moments before died in me, it seemed clear that Avon had led me to this place and then delayed me here so that she might find us. A part of my mind cried that this was rubbish and asked how he could have known she would be here, but I wasn't listening. I turned to face her pulling Avon with me, the gun was still in my hand and somehow, without my really intending it, it came to press against his side. An implicit threat to his life should she move. Avon glanced down at the gun then he turned his attention the the woman. It seemed I was dismissed from the proceedings.

 

 

AVON.

I had thought Blake had begun to believe me, something changed in his face, his voice. Possibly he was beginning to remember and what had been the depths of despair, a bitter defeat, looked to be about to change.

The she came.

Silkily refined, her voice mocking us as Blake caught me when I stumbled. Blake turned to face her, pulling me with him, off balance and unprepared. He obviously believed I worked for her and that using me as a shield would work. Fool! I wanted to scream at him, Kill her. I could have begged, but that is not my way. Pride before this woman would not permit me to do anything. She has seen too much of my soul in the last brief years, knew too much and understood too much. I would not give her this satisfaction, nor would I give her Blake's life easily. I looked her in the face.

She was beautiful. Even in the midst of this mud and water she was perfect. A white fur lined hooded cloak covered her darkly functional jacket and trousers. They were not standard issue but then neither was she. I felt again the hatred and the hunger for her war within me, twisting my stomach, destroying my train of thought. I know I trembled and that Blake, with his inescapable hold on my arm, must feel it, but whether it was the cold or fear or simply lust I could not tell.

"Servalan." I said her name, tasting it, caressing it and she smiled, leaning a little towards me as she always did. She might have power over me but I had it, in equal measure, over her. Who won depended, as always, on what was at stake. I did not plan to loose, I just had to keep Blake out of the way.

"Keep still." Blake said, but he was not speaking to her but to the mutoids at her side. They had taken her movement as a signal to move themselves.

She lifted an imperious hand, I saw the nails were red, the colour of blood, appropriate as always. The pair of mutoids stopped at her command but their guns were still trained on us. As was the tiny weapon Servalan held. It might have been a child's toy it was so small, but this woman was no child.

"You don't sound very pleased to see me, Avon." she said, ignoring Blake, his gun pressed to my side and the water dripping from the trees. "Did you know I thought you dead?"

"Sorry to disappoint you." I told her.

She smiled then. "Oh Avon it is a pleasure."she told me. "As always. And it has been such a long time hasn't it? You must tell me all you have been up to."

"Yes." I replied. "It has been a long time." I studied her noting the tiny rank insignia that even she must wear. "You don't seem to be going up in the universe quite as rapidly as you came down commissioner." I remarked and smiled. She didn't like the comment, but that was the intention.

"Perhaps, but things can change." She said carefully. "As I see from your condition Avon." She looked pointedly at the gun Blake held and lifted a long nailed finger to her mouth. "Don't tell me you and Blake have had a..." She paused considering the words. "....Falling out ?"

"Don't pretend you don't know." Blake snapped, breaking the spell. I tried to move to stop him but he prevented me. "I know Avon is working for you...."

Working for her! I almost said it out loud. He couldn't believe that I would work for this woman could he ? Servalan was clearly fascinated by Blake's words, surely he must read from her expression that he was wrong. But it seemed he did not.

"Call off your guards or I will kill him." Again Blake distracted me, taking the initiative, and with it any chance of us winning.

Servalan smiled at Blake as one would at a lunatic. "I have no idea what you are talking about." She told him, "And if you kill him what is to stop me killing you ?"

Blake jabbed the gun into my ribs, it hurt. Then I heard something, behind and to the side of us, a twig breaking under a careless boot. It might be nothing, it might be everything. I needed to take control. I smiled at Servalan. "What brings you to this delightful garden spot ?" I asked her. "Some mission for the Supreme Commander?" She bristled at this reference to her lowly position. Since our escape from the aftermath of Gauda Prime I had made a point of keeping a close eye on her progress. And, with Orac's help, had succeeded in bringing to an end a number of her plans. She was a falling star in the Federation firmament. Our capture might restore some of her prestige and she knew it, that was why she was being so careful. Blake taken alive would certainly be a beginning to her rise to power. I would not permit that.

"Pure chance my dear." She said. "Then fate always does find ways to reunite lovers." As she spoke I realised Blake was moving, slowly the gun shifted and his grip on my arm changed. He believed me, or at least that I was not trying to hand him over to Servalan. He certainly chose his moments to put his trust in me. He was, I knew, about to make some stupid heroic gesture that would get us both killed. One of the mutoids saw his move and understood it. The gun it carried shifted.

I heard the noise again.....closer.

The mutoid's hand clenched on the gun. Perhaps it heard what I heard, I wasn't sure what the noises meant they weren't distinct enough for my hearing, no doubt a mutoid's hearing is better. Servalan sensed something I think, her eyes fixed on my face as if to read the answer there, then her attention shifted slightly. I took the chance

I pushed Blake sideways, out of harm's way. A number of shots sounded, Blake's gun, Servalan's and one of the Federation issue the mutoids carried and something from behind us.

Blake fell heavily into sodden brown leaves, Servalan seemed to stumble too, but I didn't take that in properly. For some reason I was having problems standing and I couldn't quite catch my breath.

Someone called my name and there were more shots as I stumbled. Then Blake was there holding me, shouting my name and I saw his hands were covered in blood. A wave of pain hit me, fire burned my side, the air was too thick to breathe, I was drowning. Blackness swept up out of the fire and swallowed me down.

 

BLAKE

Avon's reaction to Servalan was electrifying, a combination of lust and hatred I could see it in his eyes, feel it in the tension of the muscles under my hand. I hadn't intended for it to appear I threatened him but Servalan's eyes when they fixed on him were filled with such blatant hunger I began to think perhaps he did work for her and hope it might succeed. It didn't take long to realise I was wrong, that whomever Avon worked for within the Federation, and I found I doubted that he did, it was not this monstrous woman. The realisation that my action put Avon in their line of fire, that his body shielded mine filled me with horror. How often had he put himself there of his own volition? How could I use this man as a living shield?

I tried to move the gun, to get to a position where I could push Avon to safety one way, myself another and still take out at least one of the guards. I wasn't good enough, the guard spotted the move and reacted.

So did Avon.

He shoved me sideways with all his weight and I fell, the gun firing as I went down. By some miracle I hit one mutoid's weapon, it shattered in the creature's hand. Servalan fired then, as did the other mutiod and from behind us came a volley of shots.

All hell was breaking loose over my head with Avon in the middle, I shouted his name. He staggered and half turned towards me. His expression was one of astonishment even as he began to fall. He had been hit. Someone shouted Avon's name and I heard pounding feet as I pressed my hands to the wound trying to stop the bleeding. I said his name over and over, needing to tell him I believed him, trusted him. He turned at last to face me but he didn't understand what I was saying. His eyes rolled back, the pain tensed limbs relaxed abruptly and he slumped against me, unconscious.

Someone tried to snatch Avon away from me, mindlessly I hung on. I couldn't let him go if I did he would die and I would never be able to tell him I was sorry. A woman shouted at me and I looked up, half expecting to find Servalan, it was Dayna. I knew her but I didn't know how or when we met. Her face was marked with tears and her fear for Avon, but I could remember her laughter, her pride when she spoke of her father, her fondness for Avon, but I didn't know how I remembered these things.

"Blake let him go....." A voice demanded, it wasn't Dayna, I turned to look at the speaker and there was Vila, older, balder but still Vila and very much alive. As Avon had said he was.

"Vila!" I let Avon go then and Dayna took him, pulling at the soaked shirt to see how badly he was hurt. The world twisted out of focus as I looked at Vila's concerned face. "Vila." I said his name, at last proof Avon had been telling the truth and it had all come too late Avon was dead.

As I stared at Vila in shock and regret I half heard footsteps behind me but I didn't listen, didn't care.

"She's dead." A male voice said, not Vila. Two people were standing behind him, a man and a woman, Tarrant and Soolin. I knew their names, and I knew them, but I didn't remember knowing them. Why didn't I remember. My head hurt and I knew I was crying, I reached out for Vila and he took my bloody hands in his own.

"It's all right Blake." he said.

All right how could it be all right when Avon was dead and I still didn't remember anything.

"Avon?" Soolin asked. I thought she was speaking to me but Dayna answered her.

"He'll be fine." She said.

He was alive! I twisted to look at him but Soolin moved between us, protecting him. I understood her need to do that, but I needed to see. I would have begged her but something in my face must have done it for me, or perhaps Vila spoke on my behalf I don't know. Abruptly she stepped aside.

Dayna must have had some sort of medical kit with her, there was a pressure bandage strapped to Avon's side, his shirt was covered with blood but he was breathing and his hands were untied. As I watched he opened his eyes. Dayna smiled and touched his face gently, like a lovers caress.

"Blake ?" He asked her.

"Avon. " I answered. He turned his head to me.

"Satisfied ?" He asked. Horrified I reached to touch him and he flinched away his eyes sliding closed again.

Dayna's expression when it locked on my was one of barely covered anger. I think she might have said something but Vila spoke up.

"I think we need to get back to the station." He said. "Tarrant could carry Avon and if you can walk, it isn't far."

I realised he was addressing me. I could have walked to Earth if it meant I would have the chance to talk to Avon again. Letting him help I got to my feet as Tarrant lifted Avon with ease.

My legs shook and I felt sick and confused but I made the walk back to their ship without help, my eyes on Avon the entire journey. When he woke up I had an apology and an explanation to give I only hoped he would let me.

 

AVON.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. It stayed put which was a pleasant change, it seemed to me that for a long time it had, along with the rest of the room, spun away from me into blackness whenever I tried to concentrate upon it. I licked my dry lips and swallowed, it didn't help, I still felt as if I had the biggest hangover of my life. I might have believed I had been drinking except I did, unfortunately, remember everything about the night before.

Servalan? Thinking of her was enough to knock me sick and what had become of Blake ?

"Are you staying with us this time?" a voice asked as the head of the bed was raised and a glass pressed to my lips. I looked over it half afraid of who I would see. I needn't have worried as I looked into the concerned features of Sam Donovan. "Drink up." He said as I opened my mouth, preparing to ask the thousand questions that crowded my brain. "I'll explain anything you want, afterwards..." I resented being ordered about but the thought of water on my lips, my tongue, trickling down my throat was too wonderful a thing to argue about. It tasted as perfect as I imagined, cool, clean, better than the finest wine and as intoxicating.

"This time....?" I asked when the moment had passed.

"You have been drifting in and out for two days." Donovan said. "Blake's going to be upset he missed the first time you really woke up."

Blake will be upset. I considered that for a moment. Did it mean that Blake had his memory back. I wanted the answer but I was not prepared to ask the question. "Two days." I mused on the time scale.

"It's not that bad." Donovan said. I couldn't for a moment work out what he was talking about, then I realised. "As long of course as you don't go dashing off on any more little trips."

"Servalan?"

"Dead." He replied. He was watching me closely now, waiting, I think for me to ask about Blake.

"How?" The last thing I recalled she had been very much alive. There was no sorrow in the thought of her death, maybe a little regret that some excitement had gone out of the universe. One thing was certain however with her gone my friends would be a great deal safer.

"One of your lady friends." Donovan said, he never had been comfortable with Soolin and Dayna's love of guns.

I hoped it was Dayna she of all of them deserved the right to destroy that particular evil when I could not. I realised Donovan was talking to someone on the intercom. It was undoubtedly about me, unashamedly I listened.

"Tomas." I heard "You want to tell them Merlin's awake."

"Merlin?" I asked. I knew the reference of course but didn't see how it could apply.

"Tarrant's idea." Donovan said. "Dayna suggested sleeping beauty, " He grinned clearly enjoying this, "But Vila vetoed that. Tarrant said it took a magician to bring the Galen down like that and walk away."

"Not everyone did." I reminded him.

"Phillip... Yes." He said. "He didn't have much longer Avon you know that. The deterioration had already begun." I nodded it had been obvious that Phillip was growing worse as each day passed. "At least this way he has some dignity."

"He argued with Blake." I said. I thought perhaps that if I brought the subject up Donovan would tell me what I wanted to know without me asking, allowing me to keep some of my distance.

"Blake said." Donovan replied. "He's been here the entire time. Waiting for you to wake up. I couldn't even throw him out when he got in the way as, technically, he was a patient too." I had the impression it had been a very interesting couple of days I had missed. "He would have been here now except Tarrant dragged him off for food, my idea I'm afraid. I was certain you wouldn't be waking up just yet." He grimaced. "There are times Avon when I think you do things like this deliberately."

Before I had time to think of a reply to the patently false accusation the door opened and what sounded like half the base charged in.

"Doc, " That was Vila and he sounded close to panic, for a moment I feared something had happened to Blake. "Tomas said you called, is Avon.....?"

Not Blake then, I gave a sign of relief and settled back on the bed. Vila saw me move and stopped dead.

"Awake? Yes." Donovan said. I turned slightly so I could see the door properly. Amazingly all that noise had been made by just four people. Vila, Pask, Dayna and Blake.

"You said he wouldn't wake up for hours." Blake accused.

"Yes well, you know how stubborn he can be." Donovan replied.

Vila was grinning at me. "We kinda like him like that." He told Donovan.

I scowled. "Don't talk about me as if I wasn't here." I complained.

"Well you haven't been." Dayna said coming to perch on the bed. I was too astonished to protest as she took my hand in hers. "Not really, even when you did wake up. You frightened us Avon." She scolded and and I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

Blake said nothing, I had the feeling he wanted to say a great deal and was just waiting for the chance I wasn't sure I wanted to let him have it. Donovan had a medical printout in his hand, Pask walked over to look at it. As the Doctor passed it to him he looked over at us.

"I think four visitors on the first day is a little too much." He suggested mildly. "We don't want him having a relapse."

Dayna let go of my fingers at once and, although it was a relief to have my hand back, I would have let her stay if only because I feared what Blake was going to say. "I'll be back to see you later." She told me, making it sound more of a threat that a promise. "I have to find Tarrant and Soolin, tell them you are awake. Tarrant wanted a little word, about the 'Galen'." she smiled and then she was gone.

"Welcome home." Pask said softly, he looked at Blake. "Anytime you're ready Roj." He said, Blake nodded but didn't answer him. I couldn't help but wonder what he meant. "In the meantime Avon, you don't mind if I borrow your Doctor, you have been rather hogging him of late." He grabbed Donovan's arm. "Sam, I want to show you this." I could see the paper in his hand but not what it was as the two men retreated into Donovan's tiny glass walled office.

Vila looked at Blake then at me, he was clearly considering how best he could leave discretely, I discovered I didn't want him to.

"Vila?" I asked desperate for a diversion, Blake's expression meant he was building up to something big. "Lindor, how did it go?"

"Lindor?" I could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as he tried to get it going. "Oh it's ok. You'll have to ask Avalon for details." he grinned. "You know how it is in meetings, I get distracted, and Tyce has the most amazing legs." He moved as if to settle on the bed then he changed his mind. "You know, speaking of legs..... I gotta go. I promised Shannon I'd take her to dinner tonight."

"Shannon?"

"Tanner." Vila explained, he grinned even wider. "You know Avon you'd have a lot more fun if you asked the ladies their first names instead of just treating them like troops. You managed it with Dayna and Soolin." He looked at Blake who was chewing on a knuckle. "You tell him Blake." He suggested. "Anyway got to go. I'll come back later rescue you from Dayna." He promised.

Then we were alone. Blake walked over to me and I could see the apology in his face before he opened his mouth. Desperate for a distraction I shifted on the bed and reached for the glass of water. It was a bad move, the stretch pulled on my side and it hurt. I gave up, falling back on the pillows.

"Avon?" The voice was Blake's the tone concerned but cautious. I opened my eyes. He was holding the glass for me. I reached for it only to find my hand was shaking. Annoyed with myself I made a fist and dropped my arm back to the bed. What the hell was wrong with me? I wondered. "You're tired." Blake said. I looked at him appalled that I might have spoken out loud. It was both a relief and an annoyance when I realised I hadn't, that Blake was just being Blake and reading me too well. He still held the glass out. I leant forward and he helped me to drink. I managed to lift one hand to steady the glass at my lips and suddenly didn't feel quite so vulnerable to him. It still tasted good. "More?" Blake asked when the glass was empty.

I shook my head. "No. Thank you."

"Avon I...."

"Blake..." We began together and then stopped, each embarrassed each hoping the other would go on.

Blake broke first. "I wanted to say I'm sorry." He said. "I should have believed you. There was so much evidence that you were telling the truth. I think I was a little crazy." He stopped.

"Circumstantial evidence." I said. "And you had seen the Federation manufacture that before. Did you remember on your own or did Pask use Orac?" Blake looked away from me then, his reply a long time coming. So long in fact I didn't need it. "You don't remember at all do you?" I asked horrified and it showed in my voice. I felt sick.

"No." Blake shook his head. "But I trust you, I know you were telling me the truth. Oh god Avon I'm so sorry."

I shrugged off the emotion of his words, ignored the hand that reached for mine. "Why don't you remember?" I demanded. "Orac should have been able to help." My mind was racing trying and discarding a thousand ideas for giving Blake back his life. I think I may have shouted, Donovan and Pask stared at us through the glass of the door.

"Calm down." Blake said and put a hand on my arm. He was shaking.

"What went wrong ?" I demanded again.

"Nothing went wrong ." He told me, sitting on the chair at the bedside. I sat up so I could see him better. "I haven't tried yet."

"You haven't....!" Now I was angry. "What kind of a game are you playing?" I demanded savagely. "The longer you wait the less chance Orac has of helping."

"I.."He rubbed at his face. "I remember bits Avon." He said at last. "Events from the last four years sort of pop in without any order. I remember the first time I woke up after Gauda Prime. Accepting the things I was told as the truth helped." He looked at me at last. "And I know I can trust you."

"It's enough?" I asked. knowing it would not be for me.

"I don't know." He replied and ran a hand through his hair. "But....."

"Then use Orac." It was so simple, even he must see that.

He half smiled. "I don't know." he said. "The things he suggests sound like Federation conditioning." I supposed they might. I had never bothered to ask the details, it seems I should have done.

"You permitted it on Liberator." I reminded him.

"I wasn't in my right mind then."

"And you are now ?" I asked. "I find that difficult to believe. Do you really think you can live with four years of your life missing?"

"They're not missing. You remember, so does Tarrant and Vila, even Sam and Tomas know most of it."

"They know the stories Vila chooses to tell I interrupted, unable to believe that he was really contemplating this. It was abhorrent to me that anyone should know more about anything than I. To have people remember things I had done or said while I did not was the stuff of nightmares. "Will it be enough to know why Vila thinks you did something? To have Tarrant's version of our escape from Gauda Prime? No one is with you all the time, will you leave your thoughts and ideas locked away where not even you can touch them because you are afraid to try?"

"There are some thing I might not want to remember." He said.

"You can't afford not to." I insisted. "Or do you want to run the risk of getting people killed again. Phillip and Jon died because you didn't remember them." He winced but I didn't stop, "What if locked away in those missing years are facts which no one else knows?"

He shook his head. "Avon I don't..."

"So you are going to go through the rest of your life with a four year gap. What if you fail to recognise someone from that time, friend or foe, either way could get someone killed."

"You know all our contacts." He said.

I shook my head. "What if I'm not here?" A savage question to force his hand.

"Not here?"

"I am not prepared to put my life in the hands of someone who doesn't remember anything about me from a day I tried to kill him until just four days ago."

He looked shocked. "You can't leave, most of the work here is based on your ideas.."

"No Blake. I will not take the responsibility."

"I didn't ask you to."

"Oh no? You have chosen a most effective way a absolving yourself from blame should our plans go wrong. You don't remember them. Well I am not being your whipping boy again." It had never been an effort before to keep up that level of anger when talking to Blake before, today it was too much, I closed my eyes. "You choose not to remember well I choose not to be here."

"I didn't choose it." He shouted. "I damn well saved your life, you ungrateful...."

"Because you need me." I said carefully. "You have always needed me to take the blame, be the voice of reason, do your dirty work for you. You would have liked me to have used my computer skills to close down Star One, then the blood would have been on my hands." I held out my hands to him then, ignoring the way they shook. "Well not any more. I have enough blood here for a hundred men. I will not take on yours because you are afraid to let Orac help you."

He had got to his feet while I shouted and turned his back on me, for a moment I feared I had gone too far.

"You think there is blood on your hands." He began slowly. "But it only concerns you because it is not aesthetically pleasing. You understand nothing because to you the people who died are nothing." He turned to face me then and his words hurt because it wasn't true and if he believed it was true then I had further to go to reach him than I thought. Blake had to let Orac help, whatever the cost for I could not live with that judgement of me. "Try thinking about each of them Avon. Men, women and children dead because of me. Because they knew me, or might have done. Dead because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember so many but that barely scratches the surface." he clenched his fists. "Those four years that are so important to you, how much blood and pain do they hold? how many people did we kill to get here?"

I shook my head. "Does not knowing the number mean you won't think about it? That it didn't happen?" I asked. "Doesn't it just make it worse wondering which piece of Federation propaganda is true and which a lie? Can you live like that?" I was watching his face carefully. "Can you live here, work with me while not trusting me?"

"I always trusted you." He protested.

"Yes?" I mocked him. "When you forced me onto a ship at knife point. Did this...."I pulled up the sleeve on the hospital pyjamas to reveal red welts on my wrists. " To stop me from overpowering you while you slept."

"I was ill, confused." He protested.

"You still are."

"What?"

"You are still ill. When you killed Jon and stole the Galen you were ill, now you refuse to take the cure. I can't trust you Blake, and I can't live forever looking behind me to see if you have a knife. Neither can you live doubting me"

"I don't."

"No?" I said. "Before you woke on this base the last thing you remember doing was to face me with an armed guard at your back." I reminded him. "That was a measure of your trust."

"Justified. You shot me."

"Perhaps it was." I conceded." I tell you that has changed for me, and it has. I have lived through those years, but for you how can it? For you nothing is different. For you that all happened four days ago. I will not live with that constant threat because you will not face the truth. It happened Blake. Not remembering the last four years won't make it go away, will not bring any of the dead back to life." I paused for a much needed breath. The look on Blake's face was one of shock. "It happened Blake. every painful, dull, frightening, exhilarating minute of it. You cannot live without the memories and you don't have to. Orac can help."

"And you refuse to associate with me if I don't at least try?" He asked, I nodded. "If I don't do this you're going to be able to hide again aren't you?". It was strange but he didn't seem angry any more as if his words earlier had not been spoken.

"I told you I won't be staying."

"I didn't mean physically." He said and I had the feeling that while I had been sleeping someone had been filling Blake in, too well, on his lost years. He smiled then. "It seems I don't have a choice." he sounded resigned but not upset. "Do I?"

"None whatsoever." I told him. "I'm surprised you didn't see it sooner."

"That's what I keep you for." He told me and his look said more, he knew I didn't believe he used me as his scapegoat, he was just making sure I knew it too. "Pointing out the obvious."

"Really. I understood that was Vila's job."

"All right Avon you win." He turned to the office where Pask and Donovan had stayed throughout our argument. "Tomas." he called. "I'm ready."

They both looked up when he shouted and as it wasn't a loud shout they had to have heard the argument.

"No time like the present." Pask said as he came out of Donovan's office. "Orac's in my office, you get him Roj, while Sam and I set up in here."

 

BLAKE .

I had been astonished when Avon attacked me at first, but I realised fairly quickly he was trying to goad me it allowing Orac to help. I suppose I should have told him at once that I had no intention of living the rest of my life with four years missing but he made me so annoyed in just a few seconds I forgot myself and joined in. How could he imagine I would even contemplate not trying anything and everything in order to get the time back. And it wasn't because I needed it for any peace of mind it was because of the things Vila told me.

During the long hours when we had waited for Avon to open his eyes and make sense Vila had been filling me in on all, or at least all he could remember and bear to face, of the things that had happened since Gauda Prime. He was careful what he said, always wary of Avon's sense of privacy, but he told me enough. I couldn't wait to find it out for myself. The things he had described, the successes we had achieved were so like the dreams I had on Liberator of how this fight could go I had to know the truth for myself.

My anger faded rapidly as I listened to Avon but it was hard to see a way to back down and agree. There was no way I could admit I had always intended to try Orac's method, although I hadn't actually ever told him I didn't plan to. However it was clear he wasn't in any fit state for a sustained argument so I agreed and called Tomas in. I left the task of explaining what Orac intended to Tomas and Sam. I had no doubt Avon would ask while I went to collect the computer. I shouldn't have done it, would apologise later, but he had jumped to conclusions, that wasn't my fault.

 

AVON.

As soon as Blake was out of the room I turned on the Doctors. "How could you both have been so stupid?" I demanded. "How could you let him even consider not going through with this ?"

"What are you talking about?" Donovan asked me, Pask smiled, a smug smile that would not have been out of place on a psychostrategist.

"Letting Blake wait all this time. You told me any delay was dangerous, how could you even consider allowing him to say no."

"Avon we are not the Federation, we cannot force him to do things against his will." Pask said reasonably. "And he never said no."

"What?" I was startled. "But he told me he was afraid of it, that it reminded him of Federation conditioning."

"He was afraid." Donovan told me. "But he has never said no."

"He was waiting for you Avon." Pask told me smiling.

"Waiting for me? Why?" I asked, but I had the uncomfortable feeling I had been conned.

"Orac said it would help to have some he trusted near while he underwent the treatment." Pask said. "But it had to be someone whom he remembered from the years he had lost. To provide continuity."

"Someone he trusted, " I echoed incredulously. "And you thought I was the best bet?"

"Not necessarily. He wanted it to be you. Tarrant volunteered when I pointed out it could be risky to wait but Blake would have none of it. He might have allowed Vila to help if you had been out much longer. He never had any intention of not doing this."

I could have sworn out loud but the door opened and Blake came back in all innocence and smiles carrying Orac.

"He gets heavier Avon." He said.

"It." I corrected automatically. "You think so." I shrugged. "I have never had any difficulty carrying it."

"We're ready for you Roj." Pask told him indicating the other bed in the unit. Blake looked at it for a moment then carried Orac over. "Well Avon?" Pask asked me. "Do I send for Tarrant?"

Blake had his back to us but I could read his reaction to the question in the sudden shifting of his shoulders, the way his head moved. Then he bent over Orac, putting the key in place. The computer's whine was almost comforting. Donovan looked annoyed with me but Pask smiled that knowing smile of his and put a hand on Donovan's arm. I would have loved to be able to wipe the smug smile off his face but my need to remain unknown and misunderstood was not as great as Blake's need to have his past back.

"Blake." I said his name as I cast the covers off the bed. I wasn't sure I could stand but I was going to have a damn good try. Blake turned his head. "After two days of waiting you could at least give me time to get dressed."  

He smiled, then sobered and looked at Pask and Donovan. "You don't have to do this." he told me.

"I know." I replied.

"Blake." Donovan said. "Just say thank you nicely and lets get on with it." He had waited but now it seemed he was ready to go and soon.

Blake looked across the room. "That's all it takes?"

I shrugged. "You could try and find out. " I said. "Just let me dress." Pask had pulled some clothes, my clothes, out of a cupboard I took them off him and made a play of examining them. "Still no boots?" I asked. He was, for once, left without an answer, and that was a very nice feeling.

I made my way to the bathroom carefully as I still wasn't too steady on my feet, but damned if I would let them know that, shut the door and began to dress. This wasn't that easy I soon discovered. The mutoid's shot must have grazed my side, the dressing extended over my ribs to my waist and every movement pulled. I had almost finished when there was a soft knock on the door. Someone, probably Donovan, was not being very patient. Cautiously I opened the door. It was Blake. He held out my boots an odd look on his face.

"Thank you, nicely." He said and I found that that was all it took.

 


End file.
